BEING A WOMAN… has to be one of God’s most challenging roles. From the moment Eve took the first bite from that apple, we have truly carried the weight of the world on our shoulders.
Men look at us and say that they are the ones, cursed by God, with hard labor. I say, though the words are true, how many men truly follow through with the action???
From the moment we recognized our nakedness, we were damned! Do you think that Eve looked at her body and said… “Wow! I am perfect”? I think not! At the time that she exchanged her first words to Satan and followed his advice, she began to fail to see the exquisiteness of God’s creation. After this, her body became less and less the classic example of perfection and has diminished to what we have today.
Now, we attempt to beautify, our bodies with makeup that ruin our skin, fake hair that pulls out our own, acrylic that weaken our nails, and eyelashes that when loosened will irritate the hell out of you. We color our eyes with contacts, and many times end up with an eye infection and we attempt to painfully contort our bodies to fit “THE IMAGE!” What image? (you may ask) And I’ll answer, “I honestly don’t know! I don’t think any of us really do!”
Contrary to what this sounds like, this is not a rant meant to influence women to change their ways or their attempts at perfection. It is however, something much more…. Please read on.
To talk about how hard it is to be a woman, to speak of raising kids, to comment on how it is to be a wife or to be single, to speak about the trials of working and maintaining a home, or to speak about how men don’t understand us would be redundant. Therefore, it is not my goal to waste your time or mine with repetitive words that we’ve all spoken amongst ourselves, and will undoubtedly hear again.
Instead, my goal is to remind you, how wonderfully amazing, the girl, the female, the woman, the double X chromosome, really is!
Do me a favor… Take a moment for yourself, go somewhere where there is a mirror, and you can be alone. (For the guys, when the female you are with is ready take a look at her and follow these same steps~ when/if she allows you to) Free yourself from all that binds you (yes, that means take off your clothes!) Look yourself directly in the eye, and slowly inhale, then exhale. Inadvertently, your eyes will drop down to the rhythmic rise and fall of your chest. Inside beats the heart of courage, and strength, and within those depths exists life itself, this is your essence! Because, of this heart you have been given absolute power. You have the ability to create life, sustain life, connect the past to the present, and connect the present to the future. With this heart you have the ability to power your mind.
Your mind gives you the ability to conspire and inspire, and with your mind your mouth and your hands have the ability to move. You can and will impart knowledge, speak of peace and love, initiate happiness, or cause great pain. You can be vivacious and full of sass, or you can be quiet and seductive.
Your hands have the ability to heal a sick child or friend, to impart meaning with words unspoken. You can cause your significant other to feel a great deal of pleasure OR by applying the right pressure to the right parts, you can incense them with your wrath (lol) causing a sensation of complete distress unlike any other. (not recommended) You, WOMAN hold the capability to make others feel great love for you or be the cause of your own dismissal. You can be admired or abhorred.
Now put your hand over or under your left chest (depending on how far your boobs sag) and feel the strength, the intensity, of all of your virtue, beating just underneath. THIS is your source, your essence.
Now, (for those who aren’t prudish) take a look at that triangle between your thighs, (now I know some of y’all out there thighs kind of cover up the place that I’m talking about, and some of you others have stomachs that overlap.., lol but you know what’s there) Realize this, there is no woman on this earth who was born absent of this part. What it can do, has been, can, and will be done again, by all of the women before you and all that come after. Contrary to what you may have heard, this place is NOT what defines you. This place is just a detail in your anatomy, it holds no real resource, it holds no real meaning, because without your heart, it just becomes a cold, barren, orifice. ( & Unless you have the misfortune of meeting a Necrophiliac, It becomes meaningless.)
Understand this, contrary to what you have been told. You with all your imperfections, your stretch marks, your rolls, your dents, your moles or beauty marks, your dimples, your coloration, your size, your height, all combined, make ONE PERFECT YOU! Realize your power, own it, be it. Remember girl, that you are one Hell of an individual. Although everyday may not be a sweet sample of faultlessness, remember nevertheless, that you are.
Your power is in your heart girl! Do with it what you must, but take it all in Stride.
Trennell/ a.k.a Trenni
Thank you for reading.
(Just thought I’d try my hand at a little something more sensual than my norm. Tell me what you think)
I’m that voice in your ear, the memory you can’t erase. I am the alpha and the omega in the most sensual of sexy ways. I am that morning erection, and all the reasons why you came. I am the sunlight that touches your skin, and the blood that rushes through your veins. I am the song that moves your hips, and the beautiful pain of intensity in your workout regimen.
I am the warmth of a good shower, think of my essence as your steam, I am all that you want, I am all that you could possibly need. Who could ask for anything more? I am the one that whose name intensifies love and the one that you adore. I’m That quiver in your abdomen, when your ears are licked, that’s me! My fingers tease where my hands play and I am that, which makes you scream!
I am your imagination a real life made from fantasy, open your mind, prepare your mouth, and breathe in completely ME!
It’s crazy how self-absorbed we all can sometimes be, However, I do understand it…. I mean, if you’re not thinking about yourself then (really) who else is???
Life, at times, can seem so damned hard! Concentrating on what “We”, “Ourselves” can do to change the current outcome of our own situations comes naturally. So naturally, that we often fail to realize how the smallest action on “our” part can have the largest impact on someone else’s part.
There is a television show that I like to watch called “Touch”. It is based on a boy (who seems to be autistic) and his widowed father.
This child and his father have connected on some uncanny level through the use of numbers. It seems that his (the boys’) understanding of numbers allows him to see the past, the present, and the future…. The number sequences that he comes up with breaks the whole order of the “Fibonacci sequence” (It’s on Google, look it up!) and can actually interpret the mind of our Almighty GOD!!!
Now, I won’t go as far as to say that I believe, that interpreting Gods’ intentions is actually possible but I do think about how my actions may directly affect someone else…
As many of you may know, my husband and I recently terminated our relationship and I have found it to be quite a difficult situation to work through.
I often think about how if he wouldn’t have done “this thing” or “that thing” then my life, and my childrens’ lives wouldn’t be affected in “this way” or “that”.
I am a believer that out of every situation encountered we are allotted a lesson. The thing in which we learn may be used in the future in regard to ourselves OR someone else, but nevertheless, the lesson learned is one that becomes invaluable.
I speak to people crossing my path each day because it might be that I am the only person that has spoken to them. When I can, I give the man (or woman) begging, on the corner, what I have at my disposal, just because I think that The Omnipotent, the LORD, our GOD, might be testing me!
I smile even when I feel like crying (and that happens way more often than you might ever believe), just because my smile might brighten the day of someone who’s world, thus far, has been dark and dreary, and I believe that God, himself, grants me certain allowances and blessings because of these things that I do.
My children are healthy, and my issues (for the most part) are under control. I see my way through tunnels that previously were completely darkened to both the left, the right, in front of, and behind me… I have hope where I once felt a void, and riches in places I once perceived as being destitute.
I sometimes wonder though, where would I be now if Michael (that’s my husband, @ least legally) had not done the things to me in which he did?
I think that possibly, things could be better…. but I also know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that things could also have been inconceivably worse.
I try to teach my children the basic rule of Karma, that “What goes around, comes around”, and I hope that with this lesson the two of them actually see the truth and wisdom that lies within those 5 words.
“IF I TOUCH YOU…” then it’s not difficult to conceive that someway, I am inevitably, also, touching myself.
If everyone thought about Karma on these terms then (even if it is done for purely selfish reasons) I imagine that your life, mine, and everyone in which we encounter would have a life that is significantly changed for the better.
It is my hope that this small piece of ‘Food For Thought’ both encourages and inspires. If I have TOUCHED YOU, then please, by all means… ‘Pay it Forward’ & TOUCH someone else.
As always, I appreciate any thought or commentary in which you may have concerning this or any article in which I have written. I invite the correspondence as it provokes me to keep writing because you, my audience, are reading, and with that fact, I know, that we are well on the way!
Ms. Trennell/ a.k.a Trenni
I just read a recent article relating to the slain Florida Teen, Trayvon Martin. In this article I learned that to some extent that both Al Sharpton & Jessie Jackson were becoming front runners in the outcry of Racial Injustice where it relates to Trayvon.
It also appears that due to the outrage exhibited by an empathetic community using Trayvon’s name in various ways of protest, Martin’s family is looking to now “Trademark” the teens name. I don’t even know what to say about this.I mean really, in what forum should sympathetic support for a murdered teen turn into a profitable investment???? I also, can’t help but to wonder if the involvement of the two above mentioned, self proclaimed, representative voice for the black community, advised the family to do this. As it does sometimes appear as though Sharpton’s nor Jackson’s intentions are not always selfless or pure.
In one aspect, I really wish that Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson hadn’t become so vocal with the TRAYVON MARTIN issue. I mean, when they get involved,’Yes, they do become sources of media attention, but the attention they command is not always positive but does, instead, often become a source of ridicule and scrutiny. I truly do hope, however, that we, the community of people who want justice for Trayvon, keep the focus on the situation that occurred with Trayvon, an unarmed teen, who was shot by a man of another race, simply because he “looked suspicious” & was wearing a hoodie and walking through a gated community whilst being black, and the IGNORANT PERSON WHO COMMITTED THE REAL CRIME, WAS NOT ARRESTED…. THIS IS THE REAL ISSUE!
Lately, I’ve also noted that the reputation of this child, Trayvon Martin, doing the childish and experimental things (like unfortunately possessing marijuana, and being suspended from school in the past). This is something that just about American community can lay claim to regardless of race, color, or creed… How dare it even be considered a source of rationale for anyone to attack the reputation of the DEFENSELESS (remember Skittles and Iced Tea) and innocent dead, in such a fashion!
I implore to the whole of America but especially to the Black Community to come together with intellect and perseverance. Not with loud mouths and blatant ignorance. I pray that we can truly get it right with this one. Unlike Trayvon Martin, “WE” do still have a chance.
I look around at complete perfection and wonder How can one ask if ‘YOU’ truly exist. I breathe the air that fills my lungs and know that its not a mistake but an amazing gift. I see the details of what you’ve created and think of the wonders you’ve performed for me, and laugh at how Stephen Hawking could ever come up with the simplistic idea of “THE BIG BANG THEORY”. Don’t they understand that you’re far more complex, your existence can’t be explained, but for whomsoever believes in you, their souls will forever be sustained?
I thank you for all that you’ve done for me and all that you continue to do, I believe that mountains can be bent- if that’s what you will them too…. I’ve had my trials, I’ve had my glories, I’ve had my moments of doubt, but I know that its you that delivers me, and its you, I’ve not been without. I come to you on bended knee and ask that you’ll forgive… the sins I’ve committed, the mistakes that I’ve made, and the ways that I’ve sometimes lived.
I thank you for your strong presence & the love that I often lean on, especially when I’ve felt abandoned by man, and enraged at feeling alone. I hold to the promise that you’re near and you’ll never leave my side. I love, I follow, I believe in you, I’m your sheep and you’re my guide. The beauty I see when I view a sunset and again with the sun rise, I understand, how blessed I am, that you’ve breathed into me life.
I sing your glory, I spread your word, and think to do as a good Christian should, I know that I often fall short of your grace, but you know my heart, and I’m understood. I try to uphold no excuses as I know that I have been wrong, in fighting battles that should be left to you, but Lord, sometimes you take so long. The sense in me knows that its your will & your way, you’re never late but always on time, please help me to control my whims and this emotional heart of mine.
The detail of a simple flower, keeps me fully impressed, when it comes to creating great things, My God, you are the absolute best- may this truth forever ring. I am but a small cell made in your image of what you say is good, and since all things are as you say, my awe of you is understood. I wonder what makes me a worthy something in which you would spend your time, but then I cringe at my audacity to question someone so utterly divine?
So I’ll take this gift that you’ve given me and live with uncontested faith, that you are in fact, the King of Kings, no one else can fill that space. Oh Lord, please guide me, order my steps, from this moment til I lay stiff in the ground, to praise and uphold none other than you, as you Amaze, Astonish, and Astound.
Thank you for reading,
Trennell Marie/ A.K.A Trenni
It’s so funny, the things that we can advise others on, but when its us, ourselves, facing a problematic situation, the path of resolution evades.. It’s also interesting how easy it is to see things clearly from an outsiders perspective, and ridiculous how, when you are the one involved in a specific situation, your judgement becomes clouded, your path narrowed, and when it comes to finding your bearings, your personal GPS, all but fails you and you find it of the utmost difficulty (if not an impossibility) to both see and lead your way out.
Often, when friends ask advice, they start off by saying “If you were me what would you have done if……” (insert their situation here). I’ve not thought of this in-depth before, but for some reason, today, I realize that, if it were possible to become the other person, you would probably have done the exact same (crazy) thing that they did. This is because, it really isn’t at all possible to provide an unbiased, critical, evaluation of ourselves. We just do what feels right at the moment, and sometimes regret that very same action, later.
Recently, I received a call from a friend of mine who was desperately upset about some things that have recently occurred in their personal life. The situation felt somewhat like one of those “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with” scenarios, but somehow, twisted and reversed. Confusing right? I know! Let’s just say, that being caught between two (or more) opportunities of affection may start off as very empowering, exciting, and fun, but can also end with one being deflated, saddened, and confused.
Now, me, being the person that I am, had many thoughts about what this friend of mine had so recently endured, and I freely offered my time, advice, and sympathy, without hesitation. It was so easy for me to provide a soft but sound critique of my friends issues, I thought that maybe I really needed to go back to school and earn a degree in therapy. It was as though I had all of the answers, the ability to suggest or dismiss this thing or that, provide a possible resolution to one’s issues or concerns, and be someone else’s voice of reason, and it felt really good. It wasn’t until a couple of hours after the conclusion of our conversation that I realized that I had some type of nerve, offering up what I thought was truly, good advice when the situation that I was in needed a whole lot of advising of its own.
Have you ever realized how we, often times over extend and exert ourselves with the on-goings of other people? It seems that one can often times talk and advise, for what we view, as being for the benefit of another, as we simultaneously lose control of the situations that impact our own lives? How can it be, that we can be so completely engulfed and opinionated with affairs that don’t truly involve us, but whither up when it comes to providing sound answers for the things that do?
As of late, I have pondered this question, and I have come to the conclusion that instead of constantly providing my opinion with the dealings of others, I will instead become a sort of complex, sounding board. I will listen intently, to the concerns of the one speaking to me, and silently take into account the specific details of what I know about that person. I will ask questions that will, in essence reflect an aspect of what my opinion is but will, at the same time, afford them the opportunity to work out their own conclusions. After all, I do realize that I don’t have all the answers (most of them yes, but all of them…. not just yet, LOL!). I have also decided that I can’t truly say, what I would do if I were someone else, because the fact of the matter is that I am not someone other than myself, and that I can never, ever be.
Currently, as I hinted above, I have situations of my own, in which I honestly wish a step-by-step directory of what to do, and how to do it, could be provided. However, I realize that the vast majority of the issues I’ve been having, started with decisions and choices that I, myself, made. Therefore, the resolution to those circumstances reside completely within me. Sure, I, like anyone else, at times, would like to receive the input of others, but I also understand that when I seek out these opinions, that is strictly what it is… an opinion. Also, I understand that through other’s experiences, I can somewhat find a guideline of what to do with my own affairs, but not necessarily completely act in the ways in which other’s have.
What is truly important though, is that we start to take an in-depth look into the lives that each one of us individually live. Is your life perfect? Are there situations that have completely ‘thrown you through a loop’ and left you dazed? Have you got everything all figured out? If your answers to these questions are No…, Yes…, No…, then it seems that one should provide as detailed a critique into of ones own life, as we would do to that of a friend who has asked…. What do you think about this, OR, What would you do about that???
In my opinion (not that you asked), we can only ascertain the right decisions to make, by living the lives in which we, ourselves, have. There is honestly no right, and no wrong. The only answer resides in not what you would do, but rather within these two questions~ What are you doing now? -AND- What will you do next?
Thank you for reading,
Ms. T.M.Garrison/ A.K.A Trenni
It been a while since I have written, and/or posted anything, as I, like everyone else (at one point in time or another), have experienced a few upsets, disappointments, and unexpected situations.
As I have been going through, what seems to be a learning opportunity in the making, I have thought of myself as being unlucky, unloved, unacknowledged, unimportant, dismissed, disregarded, at a disadvantage, and feeling of a whole acreage of disdain.
Now, Although I found myself feeling the ways that I expressed above and did not often participate in much outside of my immediate community of support, I kept up on current events, social events, and things of that nature that gave me insight into other peoples lives. I had a Facebook, participated in several forums, discussed different thoughts and ideas with whomever I could, and compiled a collage of information in various manners.
Now, I don’t know truly if what I have observed is in fact, a reality, as it could be because of my phase in life that I began noticing things more acutely, but it seems that I had noticed a recurring theme, and that is the idea that people seem to genuinely be unhappy and therefore exhibit to others a general feeling of unhappiness.
It is funny, how sometimes, out of tragic circumstances, great revelations can actually be revealed, but as I started to pull back the layers of what was hidden deep within my own dark, musty, sad, and unresolved situation, I began to discover something amazing…. I began to discover ME!
I guess there’s something about washing your eyes with the tears of your pain, that allows YOU to eventually see clearly, what YOU want, what YOU need, and most importantly, who YOU are.
We all know, that there are far more than enough things in this current life that we can let go of, because they do nothing more than weigh us down. We seem however, to not be able to grasp that there are just as many things in our lives that we need to hold on to, because they have the ability to keep us afloat. The biggest, strongest, most viable thing we have in are arsenal being, ones self.
If appearance (and experience) count for anything, it looks as though we are, in fact, comfortable at times, relishing heavily, in our own misery. It’s as though, getting to a point where one can actually feel the pressure being lifted from within our own depths, requires far too much effort. I know how this is. Trust me, when I say, that I have truly been there and beyond, but I’ve become tired now, and I’m starting to think that “I” just might be worth the effort.
A reality that shocks me, is the discovery that although, by nature, we are conditioned to be selfish, indulged, individuals, we spend far more time than one would care to calculate, seeking the approval, recognition, and acknowledgement of others. We seem to allow the natural instinct of self-preservation to fall by the wayside as we become desperate to make a connection with someone or something else. (Now, please, don’t misunderstand what I am trying to convey, as it is also very natural to be attracted to and have the desire to be bonded with another). However, what should not be looked at as a natural occurrence, is to allotment of one to lose ones self. In your life, the most important person is you!
Now honestly, when was the last time that you looked at yourself in the mirror and saw the amazing individual that resides within? Have you had a true heart to heart with yourself and taken into account the things that have concerned you? Have you looked beyond the surface and really took the time to discover what you like and how you like it? What about the last time you seriously thought about your own personalized goals and how you plan to go about achieving them? How long has it been since you wrote down a list of the things you like about you, and then a separate list, including the things that you don’t like, and went about reconsidering, formulating, and recreating you???
Sometimes, it becomes so difficult to even open your eyes, roll out from the comfort of your bed, and face the world. It even, at times ,feels as though you would be better off just sleeping the days away and waiting for the time to come when all of your miseries will end. But, at the times, when you feel this way arise, ask yourself this… “If everything that I am currently going through just stopped right here and now, would it change how I feel? Will I be any happier? ” Now, if you think about this question in-depth and answer it honestly, you just may find that the answer is no! You might also find, that it’s not actually your situation that needs changing, but instead, what needs changing is actually you. This is the time when Re-Creating oneself becomes essential. As no one on the planet can see things through your eyes, and no one can put forth the initial effort to reconstruct your life.
One day, the time will come when the life that you live will cease to exist and there will be nothing more left of you except for the legacy you’ve left behind.
Today however, you are here! So I ask,… What are you going to do??? You have the choice to just sit there and let life continue to leave its marks upon your body and your soul. Or, you can push forward and devise a plan that will, in essence create the impact in which you desire… You are the artist of your own life and if you are not happy with where and whom you currently are, you must realize that it is only YOU that holds the power to change, the power Re-Create YOU!
Thank you for reading,
Ms. T.M. Garrison (A.K.A~ Trenni)
I know you are amazing, I know that you are wonderful, and I know that you are more than well. So therefore, I won’t bore you with such ordinary preliminaries. Instead, I will start off this letter to you with an apology.
God, I know for certain that I have not been a perfect Christian. I know that I have both said and done things that you would not favor. I don’t always follow the 10 laws in which you command, and therefore I often fall short of your grace. I don’t fall to my knees every night or give you all the praise in which you are due. I am weak, I am flawed, I am a pathetic example of the Christian you demand that I be. I have taken situations that have fallen upon me and questioned your decision to make these situations mine.
I have been jealous. I have been spiteful, I have been angered, vengeful, and vindictive. I don’t always remember to keep the Sabbath day holy, I don’t always go to church. I have not handed things completely over to you, and have not always accepted the fact that it is YOU and ONLY YOU who is in control. I have, at times, attempted to have others bend to my will, not willing to accept the fact that we all have free will, and that this will was granted to us all by you. I have tried to force another to love me in ways that I guess just isn’t possible for them, but is always present and available in you. In this especially, Dear Lord, I surrender all.
I have been judgemental and critical of others and I’ve refused to accept things as they are. I have felt as though I had the power to change certain situations and have resisted your suggestion to be at PEACE, to BE STILL. I have denied that the life that I am currently living is the one in which I am supposed to live. I am the perfect example of being a Christian with insurmountable imperfections. I have failed you, I have failed me.
AND… Now, Dear God, I come to you sadly, meekly, humbly, asking for your forgiveness. I was taught that all I had to do was ask and that I would instantly receive your mercy. I confess my sins, I confess, my thoughts, I hope and I pray that you will guide me…
“I now place my personal will upon the altar. “Your will, not my will; Your way not my way; Your time not my time — and in the twinkling of an eye it is done!” (Florence Scovel Shinn) I pray that you allow me to abide by the words that I have just written. I also ask that you grant me patience. With anxiousness comes anxiety and with anxiety comes illness that does not keep one well. My patience has been tested time and time again, and time and time again, I have come undone. God, I ask that you keep me close, that you guide me, that you hold tight, my hand in yours.
Though times are often trying I know that all things are possible with you. I don’t ask that you give me what I want. I simply ask that you give me what is mine. Give me what is truly, divinely mine, and please grant me the ability to correctly, divinely, reciprocate.
I pray for my family, I pray for my friends. I ask that you will bless and keep them always.
I thank you for all that you have done, all that you are currently doing, and all that you will do for me and for us all. I thank you for listening! I’m hoping that through these, my words, I can compel others to truly come to you and seek your guidance and support. I understand that we are nothing without you, but you, are everything and That WITH (you) GOD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!
God, I have tried this on my own, I have tried many things in my own way, and I know that the outcome pales ,very much, in comparison, to your power and what you can and will do.
I Thank you Lord, well in advance, because I know that before this letter to you is complete, before my words have appeared on this screen, and before I even push the button that says ‘publish’, You, have already set your plan for me into motion. Allow me to recognize your works. Allow me to step aside and witness your will as I stand in awe of how completely and how perfectly you can get things done.
I ask of you Lord, with every fiber of my being, and with everything that I am, that you do what I already know you have done, and that is… Hear my prayer.
God I ask all of these things in the name of thine Son, Jesus, and once again I give you all thanks and praise (as a good Christian should),
Thank your for reading… Trennell/ A.K.A Trenni
Ahhhh, this life that we live, this crazy, crazy, life that we live. We drudge through it, and we fight in pursuit of it, going day by day, until suddenly, we have no more life left to live. and…While we’re going through the ‘not so mundane’ motions of ‘living the life’ we come across some particular challenges. Especially from those things that we, ourselves, created, called offspring.
These kids nowadays, will put you through the wringer, send you to the depths of hell, and then, in the end, to exhibit the type of parent you’ve been, send you close to something akin to the Euphoria of Heaven. But oh, the trials and angst thow at one must go through to get to that ‘euphoric’ point.
I have a teen, and a pre-teen. The other day, I came upon the news that my teen, through the kindness of the school administration, received 2 days of detention instead of a full days suspension. The reason, why such a thing occurred in the first place… ??? I’ll tell you, but I promise that the end of the story will have you surely Shaking Your Head!!! As it stands…. There is only 1 full week and 2 days left until the end of the school year, and my genius teenager decided that it would be a wonderful idea to cut class, to play basketball in the gym… the class he cut??? STUDY HALL!!!
Now WTF??? Only a complete fool, mixed with a bit of Jack Ass would do such a thing. Yes, one of those, OR a 15-year-old hormone flushed teenager.
Now let’s talk about the pre-teen, the 11-year-old brat, (that yes, I helped make a brat) who uses the fact that she is the ‘baby’ of the house, to wrap us all around her finger and bend to almost her every whim. She is hormone(ic) too, I believe. As I was her age when my personality, my body, and my life completely changed. Now, I like to tell everyone that I was a perfect child but, as I think back on it, I might have presented to my very own dear mother (bless her heart, as I pray that God blesses mine) one or two minor problems.
The pre-teen female that I have, is currently having issues with her attitude, mouthiness, allegiance to friends, etc., and is about to get very well acquainted with the back side of my hand. She, at the beginning of the next school year will be entering Jr. High School, and I dread, knowing what is soon to come my way.
Lately, there have been some, changes in our household and the home life we’ve grown accustomed to. Our family dynamics are changing, and along with that our interpersonal relationships. My mind has been wrapped around thinking about so many issues, that perhaps my ability to be as perceptive a mother as in previous times is also having some effect on how things have been going. If that isn’t enough of a story to tell, recently I’ve been going through a very specific and individualized issue and its possible that my emotional status, can be an eensy weensy bit questionable. But seriously, am I deserving of the angst that seems to be constantly coming my way, via, the two ‘crazy, nut jobs’ that I bought into this world?
My car, as I look at it, is in pretty bad shape. Now, don’t get me wrong, for the most part, when looking at my vehicle from the outside, one mostly sees a nice wine colored paint job, primed to a shine, that glistens in the sun. However, when looked at from the inside, one sees black leather interior, that burns your ass to the 2nd degree in the sun, particles of crap intermingled into the black carpet, dust fragments of mostly DNA, skin cells, and crap, on the doors handles, the dash-board, the speakers, and everywhere else. Oh, and did I mention, the pieces of paper that bear the names of my teen and my pre-teen that have been stuck in the sun visors, seat and door pockets.
I guess, though, that ‘such is life’. Things often times look better, grander, smarter, more efficient, and economical from the outside, but when you take that closer look, you see that the resulting viewpoint can show evidence of details that may have superficially been missed. Whereas, a little team work and agreement amongst the passengers riding, cloth for cleanup, and some soap and water for beautification end up with an amazing result…
It took me a few days to post this blog, but when I wrote the majority of it I was in my hometown, under the care of my mother, as she fretted over some recent personal occurrences of mine. The time came though, when I needed to go back home to the place that my husband and I reside with my kids. The from the North to the South, was smooth and uneventful, until….. I got off the highway and on to the road of the very road that beholds the door that opens with the turn of my house key. It was then, that I noticed my car smoking and the temperature gauge shooting up and fast approaching the point of the read area “H”. The sweet smell of antifreeze started to mingle with the air, and I was compelled to get out. On the ground was a beautiful color of liquid green collecting in an immensely growing puddle. Of course, at this time, I’m thinking and shaking my head, what in the world am I going to do…. ? What a day, what a time, what a week, what a life!!!
Oh, did I forget to mention, my dear friends, that this day just happened to fall on one that is recognized as a national holiday??? Now I just want to scream, and scream, and scream, to the top of my lungs… DAMN! SHIT! WTF….. is next???
Thank you so much for reading,
Trennell M. Garrison\a.k.a Trenni
When you have begged and pleaded and lost all respect for yourself, when you have cried til your head hurt, talked your voice hoarse, and stayed awake countless hours, how do you finally find the ability to just let it all go???
So many others can tell you what they would do if they were in your shoes, they give advice that is warranted and unwarranted, give points of view that you can sometimes relate to, and sometimes saying things that down right offend. You’ve been on the other side before. Shelling out words of encouragement, faith, and stability, but when the problematic burden falls upon your shoulders and belongs to know one else but you, what in the world do you do?
In this life, there are so many things that one must conquer and overcome. Some things, unfortunately, seem to be quite a deal more painful than others and a person may begin to wonder why. Why is it that one can give so much of themselves, requiring nothing but an inkling of reciprocation in return, and in the end, feel as though they have been unfairly cheated? Why is it that many times, what they feel is more than just a small emotion but turns out to be a justified feeling of real validity?
“Love as it is, has the potential to be charming, disarming, and dangerous. It also, has the ability to be the catalyst of seeming miracles. This love thing, the little wizard that it is, is downright tricky. I mean what else can get you all Googly eyed and stupid willingly? What could make you lose yourself and long for nothing more than the best of what you feel it has to offer. What other thing in your life can strip you of glory and happiness, and quite possibly (for some pitiful souls) make you want to take your own life? If you’ve been a vegan all of your life, it has the persuasiveness, to make you take a bite out of a ham hock, and it has been known to even make a man (or woman) change religions. What kind of thing does that?”
For me, the question still remains, “What kind of thing does that?”
From a personal standpoint, I can honestly say~ that Love has the power to do more than I previously expressed. It has the power to completely break you down, and the potential even to return you to your native existence of dust and nothingness.
How then, do you pull up your big girl panties (or drawers), stand up straight and tall in your heels (or boots) and let go???
Do you ignore what you feel, discounting your emotions as simple, petty, B.S? Do you let yourself go crazy and attempt to do equal harm to the one that you feel has harmed you? Do you run out on dates, and flirt back with every single person of the opposite sex that shows the slightest interest in you? Do you fall on your knees and pray and pray, and wait and wait? What do you do???
When does the moment arrive when you look in the mirror, declare to yourself that you do, in fact, deserve better than what you have received and let go???
Does the time ever occur when an individual stops believing that the one in which you feel you’ve given your all to, will somehow recognize the error of his/her ways, apologize, and come crawling, begging even, for you to return back into their lives? Do you ever stop blaming yourself for all that went wrong?
Why in the world would one ever submit themselves to such a hailstorm?
I guess that the moment, the time, in which one must let go, is when they realize that they can’t live in a world of heartache and pain forever. Some people relish living in their own misery as they honestly see no future for themselves. They see no happiness coming, they see no reason for it, its as though they, themselves (or we, ourselves) believe that if the one person that they loved beyond all ability and reasoning, doesn’t return their love, then it must be because they themselves, are undeserving of love.
In this, trust me, I am the last person to give advice. I no longer see it as my place to reign all of my opinions on the matter to anyone whom will read this or listen to my mouth. In the past few weeks there, for me, have been many, many, lessons learned. Something that still baffles me though, is this… After one has been through the fire and the ice, the tornado meeting the volcano, and hell on earth. How does one began to let it go???
If anyone out there has the answers, please share… Cause this time, instead of talking,……….. I’m listening (and so are others)!
Thank you so much for reading,
Trennell Marie Garrison/ A.K.A~ Trenni