Category Archives: relationships

DON’T Count ME as one of Your KIDS when I couldn’t Count on YOU as MY DAD!!!

I’ve always kind of wondered about what goes on within a man’s essence? What is the make up of his very being? This questioning of the male genetic compound initially started when I realized that some guys just liked/ loved some females harder, better, gentler, more respectful, than some others. It could be regardless of if they were doing very similar or even identical things for him. Regardless of whom others perceive to look better, regardless of the one in which others perceive to have the more likable personality. It’s all about what makes sense to that ever confusing individual of a man.

After years of really trying to process how all of male complexity works I’ve come to understand that the male mind may truly be something in which I may NEVER understand, but its puzzling factors extend far beyond women, Their poor misguided complexities even lead carry over onto their very own offspring.

I guess, that over the years, I must’ve  noticed this issue passively but nothing stood out as prominently as when My son and I had to make a visit to our cities Juvenile Court Division to get some adjustments made to the very small child support order that his Father had been compelled to pay when my son was about 7 months old.

I can almost laugh at this now, (no really I can’t but I wish that I could) but even though his Fathers payments were less that $140.00/mth. (and that was over 18 years ago) he still managed to find himself with about 3 more biological children, 2 stepchildren (that he refers to as his own) and $22,000.00 in arrears for our child add those facts to the fact that he had a son born prior to the one we had together making my son, his second child, well then, I can see, where some comedy might be able to be inserted given the fact that we’re now talking about a family unit akin to what a small orphanage must be like.

But anyways, not to digress, It was at  this court hearing that my son, Trenton, and his first sister (from his bio dad) were able to see one another. This is something in which they had not been able to do in quite some time. To capture the moment I took a picture to capture the moment. They kinda look alike don’t they?Trent And AA

(“She lives with their father and is wearing the New “KOBE BRYANT” or LBJ or whatever expensive NIKE basketball player tennis shoes on her feet (that she confirmed her ‘daddy’ bought her). Whilst on the very next day i had to take out a loan (with interest) to pay for the 2 installments of the college tuition that is owed to the University our son is attending this semester (& the next) his freshman year and beyond… I post this only because I don’t understand, and would like someone out there to tell me how a male picks and chooses which children they will love and take care of over those in which they do and will not.

If you have any relevant insight into matters such as this, please use your words to Speak Up! – Thank you in advance!

NOTICE: Their Bio Father Jimmie L.Campbell Jr is absent, from these pics, because that’s just his way, his “M.O” for being ABSENT is just simply “His thing”, and has been that way for years, and I am sure, will continue to be that way for years to come… I guess by this time I should just give up all hope of him being my son’s Dad, because really, I’ve already done his job.

Their Smile

It’s been a hectic start to this month, and one hell of an end to the last. Some new things have begun and some old things have past. Our world is in CHAOS, a turbulent sea, it feels like we’ve been shoved right in, but still… somehow, we left me! 

I see myself waving for help, but still I turn and walk away, and sit down at the side of the shore just trying to contemplate. Have I been good to them? Is it me, they truly need? They look safe out there afloat using common sense to kick and breathe. 

HE turned 18 a few months back and then graduation came, and off to college he went and things just don’t feel the same. Not quite an adult myself is when his appearance was made, demanding all that I could give; he kinda grew up along side me in a ways. I did my best to raise him and I have to admit I’m damn proud! But I’m still young, but feel stuck, and as he growing up I swear I just want to stand still and SCREAM OUT LOUD!!!  

There’s and emptiness that fills the silence that used to occupy my son’s constant space. It uses the voice of my precious baby girl to spew It’s vials of distaste!, “You’re wrong about everything!”, “There’s nothing you understand!”   “See Ma, THAT’S why WE CAN’T GET ALONG!” she a 14 year old with serious hormonal changes, (and if I slapped her I know I’d just be so wrong). I watch her sometimes whilst she’s asleep and think about how she was JUST my Babe, and I smile at the sweetness still reflected in her eyes, and wonder at how fast things change.

I’ve been doing this for so long, on my own, but with the help of God, and my Mom, she’s been my “Lamb in a Bush”, Lord knows she deserves applause… But I AM NOT strong, I just deserve an award because I can put on a Damned good show, its been at those times I’ve appeared to have strength, that I’ve been at my ultimate lows.

So now I’m supposed to reach out to extend a hand to save us all, don’t they know I’m not who I appear? I know not what I am at all? I have lost my sense of identity, and I don’t know where to go from here. I’m having this thought while I sit on shore and the other me swims aggressively to get near. 

If it was just that one, that image of me, who desperately wants to cling to life I still just might turn around and walk away. There seems there’s no purpose for you anymore so what would be the reason to stay?

However as I saw 18 year old HIM and 14 year old HER still calling out “MOMMY…..!” I knew that my life was not in vain and that they just might still need me! ~ So I got my ass up and sprinted into action, waded into the water, and grabbed my babes in a quicker time than time allowed, I adorned them, as they hugged me, and I basked in the warmth of “Their Smile”.

 

Waking up and getting down

     She’d spent the better part of almost 2 years mourning. Like the old dog in China who hadn’t left his deceased Masters grave in over a period of about 6 years, she mourned. It was quite pitiful, but even more so, because she couldn’t even claim the protective instinct of a simple, faithful, old dog. She was a human being Dammit, and if she didn’t do something about the things in which she was (or was not) currently doing, she would soon forget it, and so would everyone else.

     There were still a few folks that hadn’t YET, completely forgotten about her, in fact, from time to time, she preferably thought of these individuals as friends. However, there were some that could now, simply be marked off as former acquaintances as during her mourning, they had fallen off by the wayside, and could no longer be called upon. This, though, was not the time to let one’s mind linger upon them.

     THIS, was a time of decision, and the decision to make would be simple. Was she going to continue to live her life mourning over what was, OR was she going to now live and rejoice in what would be sure to come???

“While it is possible to live vainly in the memories of the past, one must also realize that the currents of life do constantly move forward with or without the consent of those who choose to acknowledge and live in it…

Though understandably basking in the familiarity of what is already known and experienced can be soothing, it should also be understood that what is missed by not experiencing the things that could have (and very well should have) been experienced can be damaging. In life, there are some things that we are very well meant to be exposed to, but having that thing called ‘free will’ at times hinders us, and that, my friend, (although a great option to have) is not always a good thing.

Free will however, does also enable us to make the choice to continue to lie in yesterday and soak up the misery or memories, or make the choice to finally “Wake Up And Get Down!” “

Thanks for Reading!

Yours Truly, ~Me

Who’s an ASS, U or ME???

Isn’t it funny how we as individuals,can come up with prejudices about whole groups of people or things in which we ‘unknowingly’ don’t understand?

As it was just yesterday, that I was sitting here, on the PC as I am doing now, laughing my ass off with tears rolling down my eyes at the post that was being written about my very good friend (we’ll call him “Aluta”), who I’ll mention, is from Ghana, West Africa, one of the main ports in which African slaves were kidnapped from and brought here to the America’s. The people that live there now could very likely be distant relatives to the African Americans that I am descended from, associate with, and live among.

You see, “Aluta” and I belong to a “Special Interest Group” and they actually thought that he might be a homosexual!!! Not saying anything against the LGBT Community but plainly and specifically speaking against the presupposition’s that people make.

Here’s the thing, “Aluta’s” “American English” and understanding of it is a bit different. In the area which he was raised, he was taught to speak “British English” (also commonly known as “The Queens English”).    As one should know, there are certain words, terminologies, analogies, and metaphors, that mean completely different things when spoken by a North American to a British Citizen, and vice-verse.

When I told him about the things that were being said about him (albeit, funny as hell simply because his words were misconstrued and misunderstood), he was appalled! As in Ghana, there is (for real) no such thing as being professedly,  “GAY” and living a long life to tell about it. As in truth, your family, might be one of the first to String you from a tree!

GHANA is obviously NOT AMERICA & is profoundly different with the acceptance of the things in which the United States ‘outwardly’ pride themselves on not condemning.

It is an embarrassment for an entire family to have even one member be perceived as being “gay”. It speaks volumes that resonate throughout the entire Ghanaian Community. Also, It is not thought of as being “funny”, “freaky” or being on the “DL (Down Low)”  to see two Men or Women stand in very close proximity to one another, nor is the draping of someone with their arm around the neck of someone else as a conversation is being had. People shower AND Breastfeed their babies, without feeling inhibited, and in some areas it is even acceptable to walk around without clothing to cover parts in which the American culture dare not publicly expose.

I know, that other misconceptions have been made about other people concerning things from sexuality, religion, political affiliation, race, gender,  and a wide array of other things, amongst people in which the majority of us share our recent culture and history, simply based on a misunderstanding.

It is the reason that I feel the need to write this post. Prejudice’s to me, are very real and prevalent but are more often than not~ petty, simple minded and just plain wrong. We, each and every one of us, are ALL INDIVIDUALS. and do things that are unlike anyone else. Does that make either you or I inferior to another? I think, No, I KNOW, that it does not!

Stupid prejudice’s cause a wide array of unnecessary dysfunction, whereas if we took just an extra moment or two to ask questions, and attempt to understand another’s frame of mind, then we possibly answer the Late Rodney Kings question: “Can’t We All Just Get Along?”, with an Affirmative. “YES”!

I implore you all to please open one eyes, mind, heart and ears before opening our mouths (or in some cases typing with our fingers out into cyberspace) words, that can NEVER be taken back.

As it is, “When we make attempts to ill- perceive that we often make an ASS out of U and ME. (ASSUME)

Have a beautiful day, and thanks for reading!ImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

Trennell/ A.K.A Trenni

“Taking it All in Stride (X’s 2)” ~ A msg so nice it deserves to be said twice

BEING A WOMAN… has to be one of God’s most challenging roles. From the moment Eve took the first bite from that apple, we have truly carried the weight of the world on our shoulders.

Men look at us and say that they are the ones, cursed by God, with hard labor. I say, though the words are true, how many men truly follow through with the action???

From the moment we recognized our nakedness, we were damned! Do you think that Eve looked at her body and said… “Wow! I am perfect”? I think not! At the time that she exchanged her first words to Satan and followed his advice, she began to fail to see the exquisiteness of God’s creation. After this, her body became less and less the classic example of perfection and has diminished to what we have today.

Now, we attempt to beautify, our bodies with makeup that ruin our skin, fake hair that pulls out our own, acrylic that weaken our nails, and eyelashes that when loosened will irritate the hell out of you. We color our eyes with contacts, and many times end up with an eye infection and we attempt to painfully contort our bodies to fit “THE IMAGE!” What image? (you may ask) And I’ll answer, “I honestly don’t know! I don’t think any of us really do!”

Contrary to what this sounds like, this is not a rant meant to influence women to change their ways or their attempts at perfection. It is however, something much more…. Please read on.

To talk about how hard it is to be a woman, to speak of raising kids, to comment on how it is to be a wife or to be single, to speak about the trials of working and maintaining a home, or to speak about how men don’t understand us would be redundant. Therefore, it is not my goal to waste your time or mine with repetitive words that we’ve all spoken amongst ourselves, and will undoubtedly hear again.

Instead, my goal is to remind you, how wonderfully amazing, the girl, the female, the woman, the double X chromosome, really is!

Do me a favor… Take a moment for yourself, go somewhere where there is a mirror, and you can be alone. (For the guys, when the female you are with is ready take a look at her and follow these same steps~ when/if she allows you to) Free yourself from all that binds you (yes, that means take off your clothes!) Look yourself directly in the eye, and slowly inhale, then exhale. Inadvertently, your eyes will drop down to the rhythmic rise and fall of your chest. Inside beats the heart of courage, and strength, and within those depths exists life itself, this is your essence! Because, of this heart you have been given absolute power. You have the ability to create life, sustain life, connect the past to the present, and connect the present to the future. With this heart you have the ability to power your mind.

Your mind gives you the ability to conspire and inspire, and with your mind your mouth and your hands have the ability to move. You can and will impart knowledge, speak of peace and love, initiate happiness, or cause great pain. You can be vivacious and full of sass, or you can be quiet and seductive.

Your hands have the ability to heal a sick child or friend, to impart meaning with words unspoken. You can cause your significant other to feel a great deal of pleasure OR by applying the right pressure to the right parts, you can incense them with your wrath (lol) causing a sensation of complete distress unlike any other. (not recommended) You, WOMAN hold the capability to make others feel great love for you or be the cause of your own dismissal. You can be admired or abhorred.

Now put your hand over or under your left chest (depending on how far your boobs sag) and feel the strength, the intensity, of all of your virtue, beating just underneath. THIS is your source, your essence.

Now, (for those who aren’t prudish) take a look at that triangle between your thighs, (now I know some of y’all out there thighs kind of cover up the place that I’m talking about, and some of you others have stomachs that overlap.., lol but you know what’s there) Realize this, there is no woman on this earth who was born absent of this part. What it can do, has been, can, and will be done again, by all of the women before you and all that come after. Contrary to what you may have heard, this place is NOT what defines you. This place is just a detail in your anatomy, it holds no real resource, it holds no real meaning, because without your heart, it just becomes a cold, barren, orifice. ( & Unless you have the misfortune of meeting a Necrophiliac, It becomes meaningless.)

Understand this, contrary to what you have been told. You with all your imperfections, your stretch marks, your rolls, your dents, your moles or beauty marks, your dimples, your coloration, your size, your height, all combined, make ONE PERFECT YOU! Realize your power, own it, be it. Remember girl, that you are one Hell of an individual. Although everyday may not be a sweet sample of faultlessness, remember nevertheless, that you are.

Your power is in your heart girl! Do with it what you must, but take it all in Stride.

Yours Truly,
Trennell/ a.k.a Trenni

Thank you for reading.

I AM…….!

(Just thought I’d try my hand at a little something more sensual than my norm. Tell me what you think)

I’m that voice in your ear, the memory you can’t erase. I am the alpha and the omega in the most sensual of sexy ways. I am that morning erection, and all the reasons why you came. I am the sunlight that touches your skin, and the blood that rushes through your veins. I am the song that moves your hips, and the beautiful pain of intensity in your workout regimen.

I am the warmth of a good shower, think of my essence as your steam, I am all that you want, I am all that you could possibly need. Who could ask for anything more? I am the one that whose name intensifies love and the one that you adore. I’m That quiver in your abdomen, when your ears are licked, that’s me! My fingers tease where my hands play and I am that, which makes you scream!

I am your imagination a real life made from fantasy, open your mind, prepare your mouth, and breathe in completely ME!

The ART of reCREATING YOU

It  been a while since I have written, and/or posted anything, as I, like everyone else (at one point in time or another), have experienced a few upsets, disappointments, and unexpected situations.

As I have been going through, what seems to be a learning opportunity in the making, I have thought of myself as being unlucky, unloved, unacknowledged, unimportant, dismissed, disregarded, at a disadvantage, and feeling of a whole acreage of disdain.

Now, Although I found myself feeling the ways that I expressed above and did not often participate in much outside of my immediate community of support, I kept up on current events, social events, and things of that nature that gave me insight into other peoples lives.  I had a Facebook, participated in several forums, discussed different thoughts and ideas with whomever I could, and compiled a collage of information in various manners.

Now, I don’t know truly if what I have observed is in fact, a reality,  as it could be because of my phase in life that I began noticing things more acutely, but it seems that I had noticed a recurring theme, and that is  the idea that people seem to genuinely be unhappy and therefore exhibit to others a general feeling of unhappiness.

It is funny, how sometimes, out of tragic circumstances, great revelations can actually be revealed, but as I started to pull back the layers of what was hidden deep within my own dark, musty, sad, and unresolved situation, I began to discover something amazing…. I began to discover ME!

I guess there’s something about washing your eyes with the tears of your pain, that allows YOU to eventually see clearly, what YOU want, what YOU need, and most importantly, who YOU are.

We all know, that there are far more than enough things in this current life that we can let go of, because they do nothing more than weigh us down. We seem however, to not be able to grasp that there are just as many things in our lives that we need to hold on to, because they have the ability to keep us afloat. The biggest, strongest, most viable thing we have in are arsenal being, ones self.

If appearance (and experience) count for anything,  it looks as though we are, in fact, comfortable at times, relishing heavily, in our own misery. It’s as though, getting to a point where one can actually feel the pressure being lifted from within our own depths, requires far too much effort. I know how this is. Trust me, when I say, that I have truly been there and beyond, but I’ve become tired now, and I’m starting to think that “I” just might be worth the effort.

A reality that shocks me, is the discovery that although, by nature, we are conditioned to be selfish, indulged, individuals, we spend far more time than one would care to calculate, seeking the approval, recognition, and acknowledgement of others. We seem to allow the natural instinct of self-preservation to fall by the wayside as we become desperate to make a connection with someone or something else. (Now, please, don’t misunderstand what I am trying to convey, as it is also very natural to be attracted to and have the desire to be bonded with another). However, what should not be looked at as a natural occurrence, is to allotment of one to lose ones self. In your life, the most important person is you!

Now honestly, when was the last time that you looked at yourself in the mirror and saw the amazing individual that resides within? Have you had a true heart to heart with yourself and taken into account the things that have concerned you?  Have you looked beyond the surface and really took the time to discover what you like and how you like it? What about the last time  you seriously thought about your own personalized goals and how you plan to go about achieving them?  How long has it been since you wrote down a list of the things you like about you, and then a separate list, including the things that you don’t like, and went about reconsidering, formulating, and recreating you???

Sometimes, it becomes so difficult to even open your eyes, roll out from the comfort of your bed, and face the world. It even, at times ,feels as though you would be better off just sleeping the days away and waiting for the time to come when all of your miseries will end. But, at the times, when you feel this way arise, ask yourself this… “If everything that I am currently going through just stopped right here and now, would it change how I feel? Will I be any happier? ”  Now, if you think about this question in-depth and answer it  honestly, you just may find that the answer is no! You might also find, that it’s not actually your situation that needs changing, but instead, what needs changing is actually you. This is the time when Re-Creating oneself becomes essential. As no one on the planet can see things through your eyes, and no one can put forth the initial effort to reconstruct your life.

One day, the time will come when the life that you live will cease to exist and there will be nothing more left of you except for the legacy you’ve left behind.

Today however, you are here! So I ask,… What are you going to do??? You have the choice to just sit there and let life continue to leave its marks upon your body and your soul. Or, you can push forward and devise a plan that will, in essence create the impact in which you desire… You are the artist of your own life and if you are not happy with where and whom you currently are, you must realize that  it is only YOU that holds the power to change, the power Re-Create YOU!

Thank you for reading,

Ms. T.M. Garrison (A.K.A~ Trenni)

DAMN, SHIT, WTF, is NEXT…???

Ahhhh, this life that we live, this crazy, crazy, life that we live. We drudge through it, and we fight in pursuit of  it, going day by day, until suddenly, we have no more life left to live. and…While we’re going through the ‘not so mundane’ motions of ‘living the life’ we come across some particular challenges. Especially from those things that we, ourselves, created, called offspring.

These kids nowadays, will put you through the wringer, send you to the depths of hell, and then, in the end, to exhibit the type of parent you’ve been, send you close to something akin to the Euphoria of  Heaven.  But oh, the trials and angst thow at one must go through to get to that ‘euphoric’ point.

I have a teen, and a pre-teen. The other day, I came upon the news that my teen, through the kindness of the school administration, received 2 days of detention instead of a full days suspension. The reason, why such a thing occurred in the first place… ??? I’ll tell you, but I promise that the end of the story will have you surely Shaking Your Head!!! As it stands…. There is only 1 full week and 2 days left until the end of the school year, and my genius teenager decided that it would be a wonderful idea to cut class, to play basketball in the gym… the class he cut??? STUDY HALL!!!

Now WTF??? Only a complete fool, mixed with a bit of Jack Ass would do such a thing. Yes, one of those, OR a 15-year-old hormone flushed teenager.

Now let’s talk about the pre-teen, the 11-year-old brat, (that yes, I helped make a brat) who uses the fact that she is the ‘baby’ of the house, to wrap us all around her finger and bend to almost her every whim. She is hormone(ic) too, I believe. As I was her age when my personality, my body, and my life completely changed.  Now, I like to tell everyone that I was a perfect child but, as I think back on it, I might have presented to my very own dear mother (bless her heart, as I pray that God blesses mine) one or two minor problems.  

The pre-teen female that I have, is currently having issues with her attitude, mouthiness, allegiance to friends, etc., and is about to get very well acquainted with the back side of my hand. She, at the beginning of the next school year will be entering Jr. High School, and I dread, knowing what is soon to come my way.

Lately, there have been some, changes in our household and the home life we’ve grown accustomed to. Our family dynamics are changing, and along with that our interpersonal relationships. My mind has been wrapped around thinking about so many issues, that perhaps my ability to be as perceptive a mother as in previous times is also having some effect on how things have been going.  If that isn’t enough of a story to tell, recently I’ve been going through a very specific and individualized issue and its possible that my emotional status, can be an eensy weensy bit questionable.  But seriously, am I deserving of the angst that seems to be constantly coming my way, via, the two ‘crazy, nut  jobs’ that I bought into this world?

My car, as I look at it, is in pretty bad shape. Now, don’t get me wrong, for the most part, when looking at my vehicle from the outside, one mostly sees a nice wine colored paint job, primed to a shine, that glistens in the sun. However, when looked at from the inside, one sees black leather interior, that burns your ass to the 2nd degree in the sun, particles of crap intermingled into the black carpet, dust fragments of mostly DNA, skin cells, and crap, on the doors handles, the dash-board, the speakers, and everywhere else. Oh, and did I mention, the pieces of paper that bear the names of my teen and my pre-teen that have been stuck in the sun visors, seat and door pockets.

I guess, though, that ‘such is life’. Things often times look better, grander, smarter, more efficient, and economical from the outside, but when you take that closer look, you see that the resulting viewpoint can show evidence of details that may have superficially been missed. Whereas, a little team work and agreement amongst the passengers riding, cloth for cleanup, and some soap and water for beautification end up with an amazing result…

It took me a few days to post this blog, but when I wrote the majority of it I was in my hometown, under the care of my mother, as she fretted over some recent personal occurrences of mine. The time came though, when I needed to go back home to the place that my husband and I reside with my kids. The from the North to the South, was smooth and uneventful, until….. I got off the highway and on to the road of the very road that beholds the door that opens with the turn of my house key.  It was then, that I noticed my car smoking and the temperature gauge shooting up and fast approaching the point of  the read area “H”. The sweet smell of antifreeze started to mingle with the air, and I was compelled to get out. On the ground was a beautiful color of liquid green collecting in an immensely growing puddle. Of course, at this time, I’m thinking and shaking my head, what in the world am I going to do…. ? What a day, what a time, what a week, what a life!!!

Oh, did I forget to mention, my dear friends, that this day just happened to fall on one that is recognized as a national holiday??? Now I just want to scream, and scream, and scream, to the top of my lungs… DAMN! SHIT! WTF….. is next???

Thank you so much for reading,

Trennell M. Garrison\a.k.a Trenni

HOW TO LET GO???

When you have begged and pleaded and lost all respect for yourself, when you have cried til your head hurt, talked your voice hoarse, and stayed awake countless hours, how do you finally find the ability to just let it all go???

So many others can tell you what they would do if they were in your shoes, they give advice that is warranted and unwarranted, give points of view that you can sometimes relate to, and sometimes saying things that down right offend. You’ve been on the other side before. Shelling out words of encouragement, faith, and stability, but when the problematic burden falls upon your shoulders and belongs to know one else but you, what in the world do you do?

In this life, there are so many things that one must conquer and overcome. Some things, unfortunately, seem to be quite a deal more painful than others and a person may begin to wonder why. Why is it that one can give so much of themselves, requiring nothing but  an inkling of reciprocation in return, and in the end, feel as though they have been unfairly cheated? Why is it that many times, what they feel is more than just a small emotion but turns out to be a justified feeling of real validity?

“Love as it is, has the potential to be charming, disarming, and dangerous. It also, has the ability to be the catalyst of seeming miracles. This love thing, the little wizard that it is, is downright tricky. I mean what else can get you all Googly eyed and stupid willingly? What could make you lose yourself and long for nothing more than the best of what you feel it has to offer. What other thing in your life can strip you of glory and happiness, and quite possibly (for some pitiful souls) make you want to take your own life? If you’ve been a vegan all of your life, it has the persuasiveness, to make you take a bite out of a ham hock, and it has been known to even make a man (or woman) change religions. What kind of thing does that?”

For me, the question still remains, “What kind of thing does that?”

From a personal standpoint, I can honestly say~ that Love has the power to do more than I previously expressed. It has the power to completely break you down, and the potential even to return you to your native existence of dust and nothingness.

How then, do you pull up your big girl panties (or drawers), stand up straight and tall in your heels (or boots) and let go???

Do you ignore what you feel, discounting your emotions as simple, petty, B.S? Do you let yourself go crazy and attempt to do equal harm to the one that you feel has harmed you? Do you run out on dates, and flirt back with every single person of the opposite sex that shows the slightest interest in you? Do you fall on your knees and pray and pray, and wait and wait? What do you do???

When does the moment arrive when you look in the mirror, declare to yourself that  you do, in fact, deserve better than what you have received and let go???

Does the time ever occur when an individual stops believing that the one in which you feel you’ve given your all to, will somehow recognize the error of his/her ways, apologize, and come crawling, begging even, for you to return back into their lives? Do you ever stop blaming yourself for all that went wrong?

Why in the world would one ever submit themselves to such a hailstorm?

I guess that the moment, the time, in which one must let go, is when they realize that they can’t live in a world of heartache and pain forever. Some people relish living in their own misery as they honestly see no future for themselves. They see no happiness coming, they see no reason for it, its as though they, themselves (or we, ourselves) believe that if the one person that they loved beyond all ability and reasoning, doesn’t return their love, then it must be because they themselves, are undeserving of love.

In this, trust me, I am the last person to give advice. I no longer see it as my place to reign all of my opinions on the matter to anyone whom will read this or listen to my mouth. In the past few weeks there, for me, have been many, many, lessons learned. Something that still baffles me though, is this… After one has been through the fire and the ice, the tornado meeting the volcano, and hell on earth. How does one began to let it go???

If anyone out there has the answers, please share… Cause this time, instead of talking,……….. I’m listening (and so are others)!

Thank you so much for reading,

Trennell Marie Garrison/ A.K.A~ Trenni

Love Really??? (Are you sure this is what you want?)

Alright now, I have a question to pose to all of you faithful readers of mine. (Thank you very much)… And so… here goes…..

Is it truly “better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all”?  (Alfred Lord Tennyson )  I personally, think that that’s one of those questions that makes you put your finger to the side of your mouth and say… ‘Hmmm”.

Lets first just get all pretenses and the sexy ideas of what love is out of our heads. Love as it is, has the potential to be charming, disarming, and dangerous. It also, has the ability to be the catalyst of seeming miracles. This love thing, the little wizard that it is, is downright tricky. I mean what else can get you all Googly eyed and stupid willingly? What could make you lose yourself and long for nothing more than the best of what you feel it has to offer. What other thing in your life can strip you of glory and happiness, and quite possibly (for some pitiful souls) make you want to take your own life? If you’ve been a vegan all of your life, it has the persuasiveness, to make you take a bite out of a ham hock, and it has been known to even make a man (or woman) change their own form of Faith. What other kind of thing has the power to do that?

People stay up all night writing about their experiences, with love.

Poems are published, divorce documents are drawn up, deals are made, promises are broken. This love thing is down right crazy, you know? It can have you even ignoring the things (and yes, even the people) whom all the while have been of the utmost importance in your life..  It, like drunk driving, can seriously impair your judgement. In fact, if Love could be compared to anything, (as others before me have stated) we could say that “LOVE”, itself, is like a drug. (Crack to be specific) You’ll lose weight, lose hope, and lose yourself, but still all you want and need is another ‘hit’. Whoever knew that such influence was imbedded in a word of only 4 short letters?

If you have never loved before, you might think that it is something you have missed out on, but tell me honestly, if your friend has had an extracted tooth and you never have, would you honestly miss out on the pain of it? If I failed a math quiz because it is not my strong point, but it is your absolute favorite subject and you excel in it, would you be envious of my struggle. If your sister had a job that was nothing but back-breaking work whose only benefit was that it paid decently, would you wish for her position? I THINK NOT! At least the average person, would not want to take on a situation that is guaranteed to potentially offer pain as a reward for your attempt to obtain it.

Try as you might to make Love work, cry till you can’t cry anymore, beg and plead until you feel like a slave inferior to a master. This little word, if projected accordingly, has the ability to destroy. Love will look you in the eye, completely filled with an air of  pity and compassion. It’ll beckon you to continue on, striving to obtain it, but also laughs at you and cries for you because “Love” knows that the exhilaration it can give, is not promised to be given to you. “Love”, however, does so enjoy the pursuit.

So I ask again, Is it “better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?” How can someone who has never experienced the icky sweet taste of sugar crave cotton candy? It has been shown in studies time and time again, that an infant who has never been shown or given affection, will hesitate, turn his back to, kick, scream, and fight off, the advances of anyone who tries to show it to them.  Before, that, they live in their own little world singing and comforting themselves, coming up with coping skills that allow them to maintain their own survival.

Why would we ever open ourselves up to something that has been proven time and time again to have a 50% chance of inflicting  pain discontent, and unhappiness? This love thing can at times, appear to be a cruel joke, thought up by someone, who relishes in watching others attempt to accomplish the impossible as their is the strong possibility that the one caught up in the midst of what is supposed to be a wonderful kind of love, will fall flat on their face and receive the exact opposite.

I guess (and it is only my personal guess) that it is the 50% possibility of finding a loving situation that does nothing more than cause a feeling of goodness and well-being, is the reason why so many of us still try. (50% odds though aren’t nearly as good as 75%,  80%, or even 90%, lol).

Let me be the first to state, that if someone  finds a loving situation in which they obtain a partner, whom for them, is evenly yoked,  someone who is willing to give and receive, someone who doesn’t magnify all of your faults, because they pale in comparison to the things that perfectly make you you.  Then count me in as the head cheerleader, screaming, jumping around, and rooting for everyone else to run out, without hesitation to find themselves a situation that rivals. It would be akin to Lays potato chips. “Betcha can’t have just one!” Why would you even want to? If love was like a Christmas tree on Christmas morning, bearing endless possibilities of the goodies that lie withinhen the topic of this post would be something entirely different.

For a while now, I have observed people I know, fight one hell of a good fight for the positive outcomes “Love” sometimes (seemingly) offers, but instead come out with the mere ravages of war.  Rather than the championship title, (in the form of a long, happy and stable Certificate of Marriage), and that Gold and Diamond ring, they come out with a bruised ego, a diminished respect for self, physical pain, and self-destructive behaviors.

Is it really the promise of what love could offer that leaves us yearning, hurting, losing, but still willing to fight for the opportunity?

When love is not obtained and/or reciprocated, its like an indescribable traffic catastrophe. One where it is impossible to determine who was at fault, who stepped on the brakes too quickly and too hard, who wasn’t paying attention, or who just didn’t care. However, it always happens that one comes out more hurt than the other, usually a lot more.

When Love is good, it is amazingly good!

“Love” can have one feeling as though they could accomplish anything, that they have all of the riches in the world, and that they couldn’t ask for better. One will believe undoubtedly that “YES, there IS A GOD!”, and that He has bestowed one of His most precious gifts upon thee. What in the world could one have done to be so deserving of these good graces? The impossible is possible, the sun is shining even on the dreariest of days, and every bird sings their “special” song.

Still in knowing the pros and the cons of  finding and maintaining love, the question still must be posed…. Is it better to love and lose~ for the very experience of it is worth far more in life than having had no love at all?  Or is it better to never give in to the temptation of love, never feeling the adverse pain, but always wondering what could have been?

Love, no matter your take on it, is something that is so powerful that it cannot be held or controlled by one person alone. The mystic qualities it possesses ensures that even when mishandled it is not truly damaged. “Love” can repair itself whilst at the same time, damage the lonely heart that seeks to own it.

This question that I pose about love has an answer that is not mine alone. It belongs to you too.

“Love” has even odds of healing and destroying, It is one of the most wonderful things to behold, it is one of the most dangerous things to posess. “Love” is awesomely impairing & deceptively amazing. Are you sure, love is something that you want?  Really???

Thank you so much for reading,

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