Their Smile

It’s been a hectic start to this month, and one hell of an end to the last. Some new things have begun and some old things have past. Our world is in CHAOS, a turbulent sea, it feels like we’ve been shoved right in, but still… somehow, we left me! 

I see myself waving for help, but still I turn and walk away, and sit down at the side of the shore just trying to contemplate. Have I been good to them? Is it me, they truly need? They look safe out there afloat using common sense to kick and breathe. 

HE turned 18 a few months back and then graduation came, and off to college he went and things just don’t feel the same. Not quite an adult myself is when his appearance was made, demanding all that I could give; he kinda grew up along side me in a ways. I did my best to raise him and I have to admit I’m damn proud! But I’m still young, but feel stuck, and as he growing up I swear I just want to stand still and SCREAM OUT LOUD!!!  

There’s and emptiness that fills the silence that used to occupy my son’s constant space. It uses the voice of my precious baby girl to spew It’s vials of distaste!, “You’re wrong about everything!”, “There’s nothing you understand!”   “See Ma, THAT’S why WE CAN’T GET ALONG!” she a 14 year old with serious hormonal changes, (and if I slapped her I know I’d just be so wrong). I watch her sometimes whilst she’s asleep and think about how she was JUST my Babe, and I smile at the sweetness still reflected in her eyes, and wonder at how fast things change.

I’ve been doing this for so long, on my own, but with the help of God, and my Mom, she’s been my “Lamb in a Bush”, Lord knows she deserves applause… But I AM NOT strong, I just deserve an award because I can put on a Damned good show, its been at those times I’ve appeared to have strength, that I’ve been at my ultimate lows.

So now I’m supposed to reach out to extend a hand to save us all, don’t they know I’m not who I appear? I know not what I am at all? I have lost my sense of identity, and I don’t know where to go from here. I’m having this thought while I sit on shore and the other me swims aggressively to get near. 

If it was just that one, that image of me, who desperately wants to cling to life I still just might turn around and walk away. There seems there’s no purpose for you anymore so what would be the reason to stay?

However as I saw 18 year old HIM and 14 year old HER still calling out “MOMMY…..!” I knew that my life was not in vain and that they just might still need me! ~ So I got my ass up and sprinted into action, waded into the water, and grabbed my babes in a quicker time than time allowed, I adorned them, as they hugged me, and I basked in the warmth of “Their Smile”.

 

PROOF Positive +

A few days ago I was speaking with one of my intellectual, educated, well established friends about my current station in life. We talked, at length, about where I hoped to go, the things I thought that by now, I would’ve achieved, & the challenges and difficulties it seems I’ve been forced to endure…. Patiently, my friend, took the time to Encourage, Interject practical advise, and above all else, LISTENED!

Since that day, I’ve gained the ability to lose the ‘tunnel vision’ of darkness that has plagued me for far too much time now,  and see things from completely new perspectives.

Isn’t it amazing how a few expressed & spoken words can bring forth such a difference in one’s entire outlook? One never truly realizes, how deeply their words or actions can affect another. I guess it’s why the 10 commandments can be summed up, ultimately, into 2 parts… the first being… “Honor God” & The second being “Treat Other’s in the ways in which you’d like to be treated.” In doing these two things, I can bear honest witness and say that “Miracles do happen, each and every day!” It is within us as individuals, to open our minds and our hearts, in order to bear witness.

My mother Always says that “GOD provides proof to the truth!”
And in that regard with the things I’ve been both told and shown I am inclined to agree!Today, for example, I came across a quote by ‘George Eliot’ that literally grabbed my attention as though it was written specifically for me. The words read this —–> “IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO BE WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN!”   Upon reading this, I knew that in order to obtain the things that I ultimately want, I must start RIGHT NOW with being who it is I choose to be!  It is since I experienced this revelation, that the feelings of inadequacy, the tunnel of darkness &  the feeling of being completely out- of- control, has given way… I am ready to do what I must!

Yesterday, and the decisions made then, are now a thing of the past, the only thing one can do is move on from those moments and live in today (lol, as if we really have a choice to do it any other way, anyway).

Sometimes we view life as though it is a courtroom, wanting evidence and proof, to co-sign our decisions to do the things we choose. Other times we just move ahead making rash judgement’s, not necessarily caring about how we affect others, or how later, we affect ourselves,

Now, it is not my place to critique or how ‘you’ live,  as for me, however, I think I’ll try a new approach, rather than to keep on doing what I’ve already done and failed to achieve I’m going to try out the alternate and see where that leads.

In conclusion, I’ll leave with this… “What is done today, defines who one currently is! Tomorrow may come, but, for some, it may not. Therefore, I believe it wise to choose, in this very moment to be who you want, and it’s almost miraculously occurs that who you want to be, becomes exactly who you are!

Thank you for reading!

Trennell Marie

“Taking it All in Stride (X’s 2)” ~ A msg so nice it deserves to be said twice

BEING A WOMAN… has to be one of God’s most challenging roles. From the moment Eve took the first bite from that apple, we have truly carried the weight of the world on our shoulders.

Men look at us and say that they are the ones, cursed by God, with hard labor. I say, though the words are true, how many men truly follow through with the action???

From the moment we recognized our nakedness, we were damned! Do you think that Eve looked at her body and said… “Wow! I am perfect”? I think not! At the time that she exchanged her first words to Satan and followed his advice, she began to fail to see the exquisiteness of God’s creation. After this, her body became less and less the classic example of perfection and has diminished to what we have today.

Now, we attempt to beautify, our bodies with makeup that ruin our skin, fake hair that pulls out our own, acrylic that weaken our nails, and eyelashes that when loosened will irritate the hell out of you. We color our eyes with contacts, and many times end up with an eye infection and we attempt to painfully contort our bodies to fit “THE IMAGE!” What image? (you may ask) And I’ll answer, “I honestly don’t know! I don’t think any of us really do!”

Contrary to what this sounds like, this is not a rant meant to influence women to change their ways or their attempts at perfection. It is however, something much more…. Please read on.

To talk about how hard it is to be a woman, to speak of raising kids, to comment on how it is to be a wife or to be single, to speak about the trials of working and maintaining a home, or to speak about how men don’t understand us would be redundant. Therefore, it is not my goal to waste your time or mine with repetitive words that we’ve all spoken amongst ourselves, and will undoubtedly hear again.

Instead, my goal is to remind you, how wonderfully amazing, the girl, the female, the woman, the double X chromosome, really is!

Do me a favor… Take a moment for yourself, go somewhere where there is a mirror, and you can be alone. (For the guys, when the female you are with is ready take a look at her and follow these same steps~ when/if she allows you to) Free yourself from all that binds you (yes, that means take off your clothes!) Look yourself directly in the eye, and slowly inhale, then exhale. Inadvertently, your eyes will drop down to the rhythmic rise and fall of your chest. Inside beats the heart of courage, and strength, and within those depths exists life itself, this is your essence! Because, of this heart you have been given absolute power. You have the ability to create life, sustain life, connect the past to the present, and connect the present to the future. With this heart you have the ability to power your mind.

Your mind gives you the ability to conspire and inspire, and with your mind your mouth and your hands have the ability to move. You can and will impart knowledge, speak of peace and love, initiate happiness, or cause great pain. You can be vivacious and full of sass, or you can be quiet and seductive.

Your hands have the ability to heal a sick child or friend, to impart meaning with words unspoken. You can cause your significant other to feel a great deal of pleasure OR by applying the right pressure to the right parts, you can incense them with your wrath (lol) causing a sensation of complete distress unlike any other. (not recommended) You, WOMAN hold the capability to make others feel great love for you or be the cause of your own dismissal. You can be admired or abhorred.

Now put your hand over or under your left chest (depending on how far your boobs sag) and feel the strength, the intensity, of all of your virtue, beating just underneath. THIS is your source, your essence.

Now, (for those who aren’t prudish) take a look at that triangle between your thighs, (now I know some of y’all out there thighs kind of cover up the place that I’m talking about, and some of you others have stomachs that overlap.., lol but you know what’s there) Realize this, there is no woman on this earth who was born absent of this part. What it can do, has been, can, and will be done again, by all of the women before you and all that come after. Contrary to what you may have heard, this place is NOT what defines you. This place is just a detail in your anatomy, it holds no real resource, it holds no real meaning, because without your heart, it just becomes a cold, barren, orifice. ( & Unless you have the misfortune of meeting a Necrophiliac, It becomes meaningless.)

Understand this, contrary to what you have been told. You with all your imperfections, your stretch marks, your rolls, your dents, your moles or beauty marks, your dimples, your coloration, your size, your height, all combined, make ONE PERFECT YOU! Realize your power, own it, be it. Remember girl, that you are one Hell of an individual. Although everyday may not be a sweet sample of faultlessness, remember nevertheless, that you are.

Your power is in your heart girl! Do with it what you must, but take it all in Stride.

Yours Truly,
Trennell/ a.k.a Trenni

Thank you for reading.

Amazingly, astonishingly, astound.

I look around at complete perfection and wonder How can one ask if  ‘YOU’ truly exist. I breathe the air that fills my lungs and know that its not a mistake but an amazing gift. I see the details of what you’ve created and think of  the wonders you’ve performed for me, and laugh at how Stephen Hawking could ever come up with the simplistic idea of “THE BIG BANG THEORY”.  Don’t they understand that you’re far more complex, your existence can’t be explained, but for whomsoever believes in you, their souls will forever be sustained?

I thank you for all that you’ve done  for me and all that you continue to do, I believe that mountains can be bent- if that’s what you will them too…. I’ve had my trials, I’ve had my glories, I’ve had my moments of doubt, but I know that its you that delivers me, and its you, I’ve not been without. I come to you on bended knee and ask that you’ll forgive… the sins I’ve committed, the mistakes that I’ve made, and the ways that I’ve sometimes lived.

I thank you for your strong presence & the love that I often lean on, especially when I’ve felt abandoned by man, and enraged at feeling alone. I hold to the promise that you’re near and you’ll never leave my side. I love, I follow, I believe in you, I’m your sheep and you’re my guide. The beauty I see when I view a sunset and again with the sun rise, I understand, how blessed I am, that you’ve breathed into me life.

I sing your glory, I spread your word, and think to do as a good Christian should, I know that I often fall short of your grace, but you know my heart, and I’m understood. I try to uphold no excuses as I know that I have been wrong, in fighting battles that should be left to you, but Lord, sometimes you take so long. The sense in me knows that its your will & your way, you’re never late but always on time, please help me to control my whims and this emotional heart of mine.

The detail of a simple flower, keeps me fully impressed, when it comes to creating great things, My God, you are the absolute best- may this truth forever ring. I am but a small cell made in your image of what you say is good, and since all things are as you say, my awe of you is understood. I wonder what makes me a worthy something in which you would spend your time, but then I cringe at my audacity to question someone so utterly divine?

So I’ll take this gift that you’ve given me and live with uncontested faith, that you are in fact, the King of Kings, no one else can fill that space. Oh Lord, please guide me, order my steps, from this moment til I lay stiff in the ground, to praise and uphold none other than you, as you Amaze, Astonish, and Astound.

Thank you for reading,

Trennell Marie/ A.K.A  Trenni