Category Archives: parenting
I’ve always kind of wondered about what goes on within a man’s essence? What is the make up of his very being? This questioning of the male genetic compound initially started when I realized that some guys just liked/ loved some females harder, better, gentler, more respectful, than some others. It could be regardless of if they were doing very similar or even identical things for him. Regardless of whom others perceive to look better, regardless of the one in which others perceive to have the more likable personality. It’s all about what makes sense to that ever confusing individual of a man.
After years of really trying to process how all of male complexity works I’ve come to understand that the male mind may truly be something in which I may NEVER understand, but its puzzling factors extend far beyond women, Their poor misguided complexities even lead carry over onto their very own offspring.
I guess, that over the years, I must’ve noticed this issue passively but nothing stood out as prominently as when My son and I had to make a visit to our cities Juvenile Court Division to get some adjustments made to the very small child support order that his Father had been compelled to pay when my son was about 7 months old.
I can almost laugh at this now, (no really I can’t but I wish that I could) but even though his Fathers payments were less that $140.00/mth. (and that was over 18 years ago) he still managed to find himself with about 3 more biological children, 2 stepchildren (that he refers to as his own) and $22,000.00 in arrears for our child add those facts to the fact that he had a son born prior to the one we had together making my son, his second child, well then, I can see, where some comedy might be able to be inserted given the fact that we’re now talking about a family unit akin to what a small orphanage must be like.
But anyways, not to digress, It was at this court hearing that my son, Trenton, and his first sister (from his bio dad) were able to see one another. This is something in which they had not been able to do in quite some time. To capture the moment I took a picture to capture the moment. They kinda look alike don’t they?
(“She lives with their father and is wearing the New “KOBE BRYANT” or LBJ or whatever expensive NIKE basketball player tennis shoes on her feet (that she confirmed her ‘daddy’ bought her). Whilst on the very next day i had to take out a loan (with interest) to pay for the 2 installments of the college tuition that is owed to the University our son is attending this semester (& the next) his freshman year and beyond… I post this only because I don’t understand, and would like someone out there to tell me how a male picks and chooses which children they will love and take care of over those in which they do and will not.
If you have any relevant insight into matters such as this, please use your words to Speak Up! – Thank you in advance!
NOTICE: Their Bio Father Jimmie L.Campbell Jr is absent, from these pics, because that’s just his way, his “M.O” for being ABSENT is just simply “His thing”, and has been that way for years, and I am sure, will continue to be that way for years to come… I guess by this time I should just give up all hope of him being my son’s Dad, because really, I’ve already done his job.
It’s been a hectic start to this month, and one hell of an end to the last. Some new things have begun and some old things have past. Our world is in CHAOS, a turbulent sea, it feels like we’ve been shoved right in, but still… somehow, we left me!
I see myself waving for help, but still I turn and walk away, and sit down at the side of the shore just trying to contemplate. Have I been good to them? Is it me, they truly need? They look safe out there afloat using common sense to kick and breathe.
HE turned 18 a few months back and then graduation came, and off to college he went and things just don’t feel the same. Not quite an adult myself is when his appearance was made, demanding all that I could give; he kinda grew up along side me in a ways. I did my best to raise him and I have to admit I’m damn proud! But I’m still young, but feel stuck, and as he growing up I swear I just want to stand still and SCREAM OUT LOUD!!!
There’s and emptiness that fills the silence that used to occupy my son’s constant space. It uses the voice of my precious baby girl to spew It’s vials of distaste!, “You’re wrong about everything!”, “There’s nothing you understand!” “See Ma, THAT’S why WE CAN’T GET ALONG!” she a 14 year old with serious hormonal changes, (and if I slapped her I know I’d just be so wrong). I watch her sometimes whilst she’s asleep and think about how she was JUST my Babe, and I smile at the sweetness still reflected in her eyes, and wonder at how fast things change.
I’ve been doing this for so long, on my own, but with the help of God, and my Mom, she’s been my “Lamb in a Bush”, Lord knows she deserves applause… But I AM NOT strong, I just deserve an award because I can put on a Damned good show, its been at those times I’ve appeared to have strength, that I’ve been at my ultimate lows.
So now I’m supposed to reach out to extend a hand to save us all, don’t they know I’m not who I appear? I know not what I am at all? I have lost my sense of identity, and I don’t know where to go from here. I’m having this thought while I sit on shore and the other me swims aggressively to get near.
If it was just that one, that image of me, who desperately wants to cling to life I still just might turn around and walk away. There seems there’s no purpose for you anymore so what would be the reason to stay?
However as I saw 18 year old HIM and 14 year old HER still calling out “MOMMY…..!” I knew that my life was not in vain and that they just might still need me! ~ So I got my ass up and sprinted into action, waded into the water, and grabbed my babes in a quicker time than time allowed, I adorned them, as they hugged me, and I basked in the warmth of “Their Smile”.