Category Archives: Love and Marriage

Waking up and getting down

     She’d spent the better part of almost 2 years mourning. Like the old dog in China who hadn’t left his deceased Masters grave in over a period of about 6 years, she mourned. It was quite pitiful, but even more so, because she couldn’t even claim the protective instinct of a simple, faithful, old dog. She was a human being Dammit, and if she didn’t do something about the things in which she was (or was not) currently doing, she would soon forget it, and so would everyone else.

     There were still a few folks that hadn’t YET, completely forgotten about her, in fact, from time to time, she preferably thought of these individuals as friends. However, there were some that could now, simply be marked off as former acquaintances as during her mourning, they had fallen off by the wayside, and could no longer be called upon. This, though, was not the time to let one’s mind linger upon them.

     THIS, was a time of decision, and the decision to make would be simple. Was she going to continue to live her life mourning over what was, OR was she going to now live and rejoice in what would be sure to come???

“While it is possible to live vainly in the memories of the past, one must also realize that the currents of life do constantly move forward with or without the consent of those who choose to acknowledge and live in it…

Though understandably basking in the familiarity of what is already known and experienced can be soothing, it should also be understood that what is missed by not experiencing the things that could have (and very well should have) been experienced can be damaging. In life, there are some things that we are very well meant to be exposed to, but having that thing called ‘free will’ at times hinders us, and that, my friend, (although a great option to have) is not always a good thing.

Free will however, does also enable us to make the choice to continue to lie in yesterday and soak up the misery or memories, or make the choice to finally “Wake Up And Get Down!” “

Thanks for Reading!

Yours Truly, ~Me

HOW TO LET GO???

When you have begged and pleaded and lost all respect for yourself, when you have cried til your head hurt, talked your voice hoarse, and stayed awake countless hours, how do you finally find the ability to just let it all go???

So many others can tell you what they would do if they were in your shoes, they give advice that is warranted and unwarranted, give points of view that you can sometimes relate to, and sometimes saying things that down right offend. You’ve been on the other side before. Shelling out words of encouragement, faith, and stability, but when the problematic burden falls upon your shoulders and belongs to know one else but you, what in the world do you do?

In this life, there are so many things that one must conquer and overcome. Some things, unfortunately, seem to be quite a deal more painful than others and a person may begin to wonder why. Why is it that one can give so much of themselves, requiring nothing but  an inkling of reciprocation in return, and in the end, feel as though they have been unfairly cheated? Why is it that many times, what they feel is more than just a small emotion but turns out to be a justified feeling of real validity?

“Love as it is, has the potential to be charming, disarming, and dangerous. It also, has the ability to be the catalyst of seeming miracles. This love thing, the little wizard that it is, is downright tricky. I mean what else can get you all Googly eyed and stupid willingly? What could make you lose yourself and long for nothing more than the best of what you feel it has to offer. What other thing in your life can strip you of glory and happiness, and quite possibly (for some pitiful souls) make you want to take your own life? If you’ve been a vegan all of your life, it has the persuasiveness, to make you take a bite out of a ham hock, and it has been known to even make a man (or woman) change religions. What kind of thing does that?”

For me, the question still remains, “What kind of thing does that?”

From a personal standpoint, I can honestly say~ that Love has the power to do more than I previously expressed. It has the power to completely break you down, and the potential even to return you to your native existence of dust and nothingness.

How then, do you pull up your big girl panties (or drawers), stand up straight and tall in your heels (or boots) and let go???

Do you ignore what you feel, discounting your emotions as simple, petty, B.S? Do you let yourself go crazy and attempt to do equal harm to the one that you feel has harmed you? Do you run out on dates, and flirt back with every single person of the opposite sex that shows the slightest interest in you? Do you fall on your knees and pray and pray, and wait and wait? What do you do???

When does the moment arrive when you look in the mirror, declare to yourself that  you do, in fact, deserve better than what you have received and let go???

Does the time ever occur when an individual stops believing that the one in which you feel you’ve given your all to, will somehow recognize the error of his/her ways, apologize, and come crawling, begging even, for you to return back into their lives? Do you ever stop blaming yourself for all that went wrong?

Why in the world would one ever submit themselves to such a hailstorm?

I guess that the moment, the time, in which one must let go, is when they realize that they can’t live in a world of heartache and pain forever. Some people relish living in their own misery as they honestly see no future for themselves. They see no happiness coming, they see no reason for it, its as though they, themselves (or we, ourselves) believe that if the one person that they loved beyond all ability and reasoning, doesn’t return their love, then it must be because they themselves, are undeserving of love.

In this, trust me, I am the last person to give advice. I no longer see it as my place to reign all of my opinions on the matter to anyone whom will read this or listen to my mouth. In the past few weeks there, for me, have been many, many, lessons learned. Something that still baffles me though, is this… After one has been through the fire and the ice, the tornado meeting the volcano, and hell on earth. How does one began to let it go???

If anyone out there has the answers, please share… Cause this time, instead of talking,……….. I’m listening (and so are others)!

Thank you so much for reading,

Trennell Marie Garrison/ A.K.A~ Trenni

Love Really??? (Are you sure this is what you want?)

Alright now, I have a question to pose to all of you faithful readers of mine. (Thank you very much)… And so… here goes…..

Is it truly “better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all”?  (Alfred Lord Tennyson )  I personally, think that that’s one of those questions that makes you put your finger to the side of your mouth and say… ‘Hmmm”.

Lets first just get all pretenses and the sexy ideas of what love is out of our heads. Love as it is, has the potential to be charming, disarming, and dangerous. It also, has the ability to be the catalyst of seeming miracles. This love thing, the little wizard that it is, is downright tricky. I mean what else can get you all Googly eyed and stupid willingly? What could make you lose yourself and long for nothing more than the best of what you feel it has to offer. What other thing in your life can strip you of glory and happiness, and quite possibly (for some pitiful souls) make you want to take your own life? If you’ve been a vegan all of your life, it has the persuasiveness, to make you take a bite out of a ham hock, and it has been known to even make a man (or woman) change their own form of Faith. What other kind of thing has the power to do that?

People stay up all night writing about their experiences, with love.

Poems are published, divorce documents are drawn up, deals are made, promises are broken. This love thing is down right crazy, you know? It can have you even ignoring the things (and yes, even the people) whom all the while have been of the utmost importance in your life..  It, like drunk driving, can seriously impair your judgement. In fact, if Love could be compared to anything, (as others before me have stated) we could say that “LOVE”, itself, is like a drug. (Crack to be specific) You’ll lose weight, lose hope, and lose yourself, but still all you want and need is another ‘hit’. Whoever knew that such influence was imbedded in a word of only 4 short letters?

If you have never loved before, you might think that it is something you have missed out on, but tell me honestly, if your friend has had an extracted tooth and you never have, would you honestly miss out on the pain of it? If I failed a math quiz because it is not my strong point, but it is your absolute favorite subject and you excel in it, would you be envious of my struggle. If your sister had a job that was nothing but back-breaking work whose only benefit was that it paid decently, would you wish for her position? I THINK NOT! At least the average person, would not want to take on a situation that is guaranteed to potentially offer pain as a reward for your attempt to obtain it.

Try as you might to make Love work, cry till you can’t cry anymore, beg and plead until you feel like a slave inferior to a master. This little word, if projected accordingly, has the ability to destroy. Love will look you in the eye, completely filled with an air of  pity and compassion. It’ll beckon you to continue on, striving to obtain it, but also laughs at you and cries for you because “Love” knows that the exhilaration it can give, is not promised to be given to you. “Love”, however, does so enjoy the pursuit.

So I ask again, Is it “better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?” How can someone who has never experienced the icky sweet taste of sugar crave cotton candy? It has been shown in studies time and time again, that an infant who has never been shown or given affection, will hesitate, turn his back to, kick, scream, and fight off, the advances of anyone who tries to show it to them.  Before, that, they live in their own little world singing and comforting themselves, coming up with coping skills that allow them to maintain their own survival.

Why would we ever open ourselves up to something that has been proven time and time again to have a 50% chance of inflicting  pain discontent, and unhappiness? This love thing can at times, appear to be a cruel joke, thought up by someone, who relishes in watching others attempt to accomplish the impossible as their is the strong possibility that the one caught up in the midst of what is supposed to be a wonderful kind of love, will fall flat on their face and receive the exact opposite.

I guess (and it is only my personal guess) that it is the 50% possibility of finding a loving situation that does nothing more than cause a feeling of goodness and well-being, is the reason why so many of us still try. (50% odds though aren’t nearly as good as 75%,  80%, or even 90%, lol).

Let me be the first to state, that if someone  finds a loving situation in which they obtain a partner, whom for them, is evenly yoked,  someone who is willing to give and receive, someone who doesn’t magnify all of your faults, because they pale in comparison to the things that perfectly make you you.  Then count me in as the head cheerleader, screaming, jumping around, and rooting for everyone else to run out, without hesitation to find themselves a situation that rivals. It would be akin to Lays potato chips. “Betcha can’t have just one!” Why would you even want to? If love was like a Christmas tree on Christmas morning, bearing endless possibilities of the goodies that lie withinhen the topic of this post would be something entirely different.

For a while now, I have observed people I know, fight one hell of a good fight for the positive outcomes “Love” sometimes (seemingly) offers, but instead come out with the mere ravages of war.  Rather than the championship title, (in the form of a long, happy and stable Certificate of Marriage), and that Gold and Diamond ring, they come out with a bruised ego, a diminished respect for self, physical pain, and self-destructive behaviors.

Is it really the promise of what love could offer that leaves us yearning, hurting, losing, but still willing to fight for the opportunity?

When love is not obtained and/or reciprocated, its like an indescribable traffic catastrophe. One where it is impossible to determine who was at fault, who stepped on the brakes too quickly and too hard, who wasn’t paying attention, or who just didn’t care. However, it always happens that one comes out more hurt than the other, usually a lot more.

When Love is good, it is amazingly good!

“Love” can have one feeling as though they could accomplish anything, that they have all of the riches in the world, and that they couldn’t ask for better. One will believe undoubtedly that “YES, there IS A GOD!”, and that He has bestowed one of His most precious gifts upon thee. What in the world could one have done to be so deserving of these good graces? The impossible is possible, the sun is shining even on the dreariest of days, and every bird sings their “special” song.

Still in knowing the pros and the cons of  finding and maintaining love, the question still must be posed…. Is it better to love and lose~ for the very experience of it is worth far more in life than having had no love at all?  Or is it better to never give in to the temptation of love, never feeling the adverse pain, but always wondering what could have been?

Love, no matter your take on it, is something that is so powerful that it cannot be held or controlled by one person alone. The mystic qualities it possesses ensures that even when mishandled it is not truly damaged. “Love” can repair itself whilst at the same time, damage the lonely heart that seeks to own it.

This question that I pose about love has an answer that is not mine alone. It belongs to you too.

“Love” has even odds of healing and destroying, It is one of the most wonderful things to behold, it is one of the most dangerous things to posess. “Love” is awesomely impairing & deceptively amazing. Are you sure, love is something that you want?  Really???

Thank you so much for reading,

Who Deserves You? What do you deserve???

I have a very good friend. He’s been married once, and has had his heart-broken several times. Never, could I understand what the problem was when his seemingly “good” relationships all too suddenly, failed. I mean, here was a man who truly loved intently. A man who loved with every fiber of his being. A man who loved with all of his heart. I mean, when this man entered a relationship with a woman he gave of himself wholly. I used to be envious of this type of love, often wishing that someone would love ME like that.

My experiences with love were quite different. I seemed to be the type that always attracted the real Jack@$$#$,  A$$#@!E$, and other, stronger, expletives. The type of guys who were interested in themselves, consumed by unimportant thrills, had no potential, and worth absolutely nothing. The worst thing about these situations, though, was that I LOVED THEM!!!

I used to cry to my friend, (the one previously mentioned) with all too real, tears streaming down my face.
I’d ask him to please explain to me what it was that I lacked? What was I doing wrong? &  Why, oh why, could I not find true love? (I know, I know, me going to him for the answers seems akin to me talking to myself cause he couldn’t figure out the reasons behind the challenges in his own love life) It turns out though, that sometimes out of unexpected situations and conversations, real revelations can, and often do, arise.

During one of our many conversations about a broken heart I’d recently acquired from a guy who I felt (at that time) was the love of my life. My friend, (whom I have sworn since the beginning of our friendship is destined to be a powerful minister) read to me these words from the scripture Psalm 27:2 “When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh, My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.”  ~This is a day in which I will never forget, because even though I do not know if there was a specific road he was going to lead me down with his quotation of these holy words I do know that  it was the paramount moment in which I received a major epiphany about myself.

I realized that I kept giving myself to those who were seriously questionable in deserving my affection, and because of this I constantly stumbled. I opened my heart and gave it wholly, even to the point that I put my desires for reciprocated affection before God himself. This is the moment in which I fell (emotionally, spiritually, physically).  I…. was… my own…. enemy.

Whoa! Hold up! How can that be??? You may be asking yourself these very questions, therefore I will be more than happy to elaborate.

Have you ever heard the saying, “When you lie down with dogs, you can’t help but to catch fleas?” Well, that should explain to you what happened to me and where I was coming from. I’d spent so much time wanting a “dog” to lick my face and tell me that “he” was so happy that I was in their life that I allowed myself to become infested with fleas of unhappiness. For it is when you force yourself upon something that is truly not meant to be yours, you face repercussions.

There are things that reveal themselves to you in simple moments…. such as a phone call from you to the one you desire, sent straight to voice mail. A holiday in which you’ve spent hours shopping for the perfect gift only to receive nothing in return. The ignored attempts at affection,compiled with tears flowing down your face from a heart so heavy that it pulls at your eyes, or the complete loss of respect for yourself.

Then, there are the Epic moments in which your foolish ways are brought to light… Such as the day you find the love of your life loving another the way you wanted them to love you, the disrespectful manner in which they speak to you, the giving of attention from them to you for their own physical satisfaction, obvious emotional abuses, and possibly even (God forbid) physical abuse.

Still, at times, you long for this person who has treated you in such a manner and as sure as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west you eventually have to look yourself in the mirror and DECIDE FOR YOURSELF…. WHAT DO YOU DESERVE?…. WHO DESERVES YOU?

It may take a while, but hopefully, eventually, one realizes that pinning after a specific person who does not feel the same way about you  is a route in which one must not allow themselves to travel. In fact, if you are receiving the love in which you deserve, you won’t ever have to ‘pine’ after him or her. For that person would do anything for you to innately know that their heart desires you and only you.

The other day, I just happened to be in the presence of a couple who were joking with each other about who was going to pay for a meal at a restaurant in which they were attending with one another. The guy (again jokingly) told the girl that she “better start to look under the seats for lost change because he had enough to pay for his own but he wasn’t quite so sure about her”.~ Upon hearing this, I interjected an “Oooh, you know you aren’t right!” He laughed with a twinkle in his eye, looked at his love and said to me, “She knows I am just kidding, I would give my baby my last nickel, you hear me? I’d give her my last!” I smiled and told him how very sweet his words were, and just being in such close proximity to the two of them I felt that the words he had just spoken were nothing less than the absolute truth.

After witnessing something like that, one can’t help but to wonder about their own lives and the relationships that one is in. Am I the love of my life’s, love of his life? Would he give me his last, would I give him mine? If he (God forbid) was rendered incapable of doing all the things in which he can currently do, would I still be in love with him? Would my heart and mind want nothing less than the best for him? Would I want to provide for him financially, physically, mentally? Would he do the same for me?

Those are questions in which it seems any mature person would learn to ask of themselves. The time in which one should spend being happy in this life, is unfortunately overshadowed with much unhappiness.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 It seems true, that in order to appreciate the sunshine, you have to tread through a couple of storms. However, eventually, there comes a time in which one MUST learn. We all want to live long, healthy, happy, comfortable lives, but we also need to realize that life is far too short to spend in misery. “When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man (or woman) I put away childish things.“(1 Corinthians 13:11)

We grow in more ways than one, and there comes a moment that if you’ve been sick and tired of being sick and tired, you get up and do something about it.

As an amazing individual, you deserve someone who is equally amazing. If, at this point of time in your life,  you are with someone who does not truly fulfill all the requirements AND reciprocates them towards you, then… it may be time, to let it go, and start all over. In order for someone to appreciate, recognize, and respect, your worth, you must appreciate, recognize, and respect it in yourself first!

What do you deserve?… Who deserves you? There’s only one person that can truly answer these questions and that person is…….

P.S~ Oh, and about that friend of mine. He finally found a lovely woman who gives him everything that he gives her, I can feel it when witnessing the two of them together. I can see it even in pictures, and I  just know in my heart, without a shadow of a doubt, that this time, he has the woman that he has long searched for and who he is so obviously deserving of. … His SOUL MATE, in fact, they are due to be married this upcoming summer. ~ Congratulations R & A!  Your relationship serves as inspiration for many.

Thank you for reading,

Trennell/a.k.a Trenni

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