Category Archives: depression

Their Smile

It’s been a hectic start to this month, and one hell of an end to the last. Some new things have begun and some old things have past. Our world is in CHAOS, a turbulent sea, it feels like we’ve been shoved right in, but still… somehow, we left me! 

I see myself waving for help, but still I turn and walk away, and sit down at the side of the shore just trying to contemplate. Have I been good to them? Is it me, they truly need? They look safe out there afloat using common sense to kick and breathe. 

HE turned 18 a few months back and then graduation came, and off to college he went and things just don’t feel the same. Not quite an adult myself is when his appearance was made, demanding all that I could give; he kinda grew up along side me in a ways. I did my best to raise him and I have to admit I’m damn proud! But I’m still young, but feel stuck, and as he growing up I swear I just want to stand still and SCREAM OUT LOUD!!!  

There’s and emptiness that fills the silence that used to occupy my son’s constant space. It uses the voice of my precious baby girl to spew It’s vials of distaste!, “You’re wrong about everything!”, “There’s nothing you understand!”   “See Ma, THAT’S why WE CAN’T GET ALONG!” she a 14 year old with serious hormonal changes, (and if I slapped her I know I’d just be so wrong). I watch her sometimes whilst she’s asleep and think about how she was JUST my Babe, and I smile at the sweetness still reflected in her eyes, and wonder at how fast things change.

I’ve been doing this for so long, on my own, but with the help of God, and my Mom, she’s been my “Lamb in a Bush”, Lord knows she deserves applause… But I AM NOT strong, I just deserve an award because I can put on a Damned good show, its been at those times I’ve appeared to have strength, that I’ve been at my ultimate lows.

So now I’m supposed to reach out to extend a hand to save us all, don’t they know I’m not who I appear? I know not what I am at all? I have lost my sense of identity, and I don’t know where to go from here. I’m having this thought while I sit on shore and the other me swims aggressively to get near. 

If it was just that one, that image of me, who desperately wants to cling to life I still just might turn around and walk away. There seems there’s no purpose for you anymore so what would be the reason to stay?

However as I saw 18 year old HIM and 14 year old HER still calling out “MOMMY…..!” I knew that my life was not in vain and that they just might still need me! ~ So I got my ass up and sprinted into action, waded into the water, and grabbed my babes in a quicker time than time allowed, I adorned them, as they hugged me, and I basked in the warmth of “Their Smile”.

 

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