Category Archives: Confessions

DON’T Count ME as one of Your KIDS when I couldn’t Count on YOU as MY DAD!!!

I’ve always kind of wondered about what goes on within a man’s essence? What is the make up of his very being? This questioning of the male genetic compound initially started when I realized that some guys just liked/ loved some females harder, better, gentler, more respectful, than some others. It could be regardless of if they were doing very similar or even identical things for him. Regardless of whom others perceive to look better, regardless of the one in which others perceive to have the more likable personality. It’s all about what makes sense to that ever confusing individual of a man.

After years of really trying to process how all of male complexity works I’ve come to understand that the male mind may truly be something in which I may NEVER understand, but its puzzling factors extend far beyond women, Their poor misguided complexities even lead carry over onto their very own offspring.

I guess, that over the years, I must’ve  noticed this issue passively but nothing stood out as prominently as when My son and I had to make a visit to our cities Juvenile Court Division to get some adjustments made to the very small child support order that his Father had been compelled to pay when my son was about 7 months old.

I can almost laugh at this now, (no really I can’t but I wish that I could) but even though his Fathers payments were less that $140.00/mth. (and that was over 18 years ago) he still managed to find himself with about 3 more biological children, 2 stepchildren (that he refers to as his own) and $22,000.00 in arrears for our child add those facts to the fact that he had a son born prior to the one we had together making my son, his second child, well then, I can see, where some comedy might be able to be inserted given the fact that we’re now talking about a family unit akin to what a small orphanage must be like.

But anyways, not to digress, It was at  this court hearing that my son, Trenton, and his first sister (from his bio dad) were able to see one another. This is something in which they had not been able to do in quite some time. To capture the moment I took a picture to capture the moment. They kinda look alike don’t they?Trent And AA

(“She lives with their father and is wearing the New “KOBE BRYANT” or LBJ or whatever expensive NIKE basketball player tennis shoes on her feet (that she confirmed her ‘daddy’ bought her). Whilst on the very next day i had to take out a loan (with interest) to pay for the 2 installments of the college tuition that is owed to the University our son is attending this semester (& the next) his freshman year and beyond… I post this only because I don’t understand, and would like someone out there to tell me how a male picks and chooses which children they will love and take care of over those in which they do and will not.

If you have any relevant insight into matters such as this, please use your words to Speak Up! – Thank you in advance!

NOTICE: Their Bio Father Jimmie L.Campbell Jr is absent, from these pics, because that’s just his way, his “M.O” for being ABSENT is just simply “His thing”, and has been that way for years, and I am sure, will continue to be that way for years to come… I guess by this time I should just give up all hope of him being my son’s Dad, because really, I’ve already done his job.

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Coming out of the dark… (in a few brief words).

I, like many others that I know, have faced some severe blows and setbacks during my time on this earth, and I used to question it all with a loudly (or quietly) expressed WHY ME???

However, as I move forward facing day after day I notice the question has changed from me wondering “WHY ME???” to “WHY NOT ME???” As inevitably, pain does began to subside, and time does began to heal.

And with this change of one moment stretching towards the next, I have also been able to bear witness, and thus testify, that there has been Absolutely NO BURDEN placed upon me in which I could not bear!

That same strength and power has also been gifted to you.

Therefore, I can say with absolute certainty that if YOU are struggling with issues and hard times, please note that like with all things that have occurred, “This too shall pass!”

All that You have to do is keep on keeping on, and watch these words that I state come to absolute fruition…. One day, you’ll gladly/proudly be able to pass these words of knowledge off to someone else, just like I have.

Just keep living and I guarantee, you’ll see!

 

Thanks for reading!

Sincerely,

ME! Trenni/ Trennell Marie

PROOF Positive

A few days ago I was speaking with one of my intellectual, educated, well established friends about my current station in life. We talked, at length, about where I hoped to go, the things I thought that by now, I would’ve achieved, & the challenges and difficulties it seems I’ve been forced to endure…. Patiently, my friend, took the time to Encourage, Interject practical advise, and above all else, LISTENED!

Since that day, I’ve gained the ability to lose the ‘tunnel vision’ of darkness that has plagued me for far too much time now,  and see things from completely new perspectives.

Isn’t it amazing how a few expressed & spoken words can bring forth such a difference in one’s entire outlook? One never truly realizes, how deeply their words or actions can affect another. I guess it’s why the 10 commandments can be summed up, ultimately, into 2 parts… the first being… “Honor God” & The second being “Treat Other’s in the ways in which you’d like to be treated.” In doing these two things, I can bear honest witness and say that “Miracles do happen, each and every day!” It is within us as individuals, to open our minds and our hearts, in order to bear witness.

My mother Always says that “GOD provides proof to the truth!”
And in that regard with the things I’ve been both told and shown I am inclined to agree!Today, for example, I came across a quote by ‘George Eliot’ that literally grabbed my attention as though it was written specifically for me. The words read this —–> “IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO BE WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN!”   Upon reading this, I knew that in order to obtain the things that I ultimately want, I must start RIGHT NOW with being who it is I choose to be!  It is since I experienced this revelation, that the feelings of inadequacy, the tunnel of darkness &  the feeling of being completely out- of- control, has given way… I am ready to do what I must!

Yesterday, and the decisions made then, are now a thing of the past, the only thing one can do is move on from those moments and live in today (lol, as if we really have a choice to do it any other way, anyway).

Sometimes we view life as though it is a courtroom, wanting evidence and proof, to co-sign our decisions to do the things we choose. Other times we just move ahead making rash judgement’s, not necessarily caring about how we affect others, or how later, we affect ourselves,

Now, it is not my place to critique or how ‘you’ live,  as for me, however, I think I’ll try a new approach, rather than to keep on doing what I’ve already done and failed to achieve I’m going to try out the alternate and see where that leads.

In conclusion, I’ll leave with this… “What is done today, defines who one currently is! Tomorrow may come, but, for some, it may not. Therefore, I believe it wise to choose, in this very moment to be who you want, and it’s almost miraculously occurs that who you want to be, becomes exactly who you are! ~ Thank you George Eliot, for bringing  that all to light.

Thank you for reading!

Trennell Marie

Who’s an ASS, U or ME???

Isn’t it funny how we as individuals,can come up with prejudices about whole groups of people or things in which we ‘unknowingly’ don’t understand?

As it was just yesterday, that I was sitting here, on the PC as I am doing now, laughing my ass off with tears rolling down my eyes at the post that was being written about my very good friend (we’ll call him “Aluta”), who I’ll mention, is from Ghana, West Africa, one of the main ports in which African slaves were kidnapped from and brought here to the America’s. The people that live there now could very likely be distant relatives to the African Americans that I am descended from, associate with, and live among.

You see, “Aluta” and I belong to a “Special Interest Group” and they actually thought that he might be a homosexual!!! Not saying anything against the LGBT Community but plainly and specifically speaking against the presupposition’s that people make.

Here’s the thing, “Aluta’s” “American English” and understanding of it is a bit different. In the area which he was raised, he was taught to speak “British English” (also commonly known as “The Queens English”).    As one should know, there are certain words, terminologies, analogies, and metaphors, that mean completely different things when spoken by a North American to a British Citizen, and vice-verse.

When I told him about the things that were being said about him (albeit, funny as hell simply because his words were misconstrued and misunderstood), he was appalled! As in Ghana, there is (for real) no such thing as being professedly,  “GAY” and living a long life to tell about it. As in truth, your family, might be one of the first to String you from a tree!

GHANA is obviously NOT AMERICA & is profoundly different with the acceptance of the things in which the United States ‘outwardly’ pride themselves on not condemning.

It is an embarrassment for an entire family to have even one member be perceived as being “gay”. It speaks volumes that resonate throughout the entire Ghanaian Community. Also, It is not thought of as being “funny”, “freaky” or being on the “DL (Down Low)”  to see two Men or Women stand in very close proximity to one another, nor is the draping of someone with their arm around the neck of someone else as a conversation is being had. People shower AND Breastfeed their babies, without feeling inhibited, and in some areas it is even acceptable to walk around without clothing to cover parts in which the American culture dare not publicly expose.

I know, that other misconceptions have been made about other people concerning things from sexuality, religion, political affiliation, race, gender,  and a wide array of other things, amongst people in which the majority of us share our recent culture and history, simply based on a misunderstanding.

It is the reason that I feel the need to write this post. Prejudice’s to me, are very real and prevalent but are more often than not~ petty, simple minded and just plain wrong. We, each and every one of us, are ALL INDIVIDUALS. and do things that are unlike anyone else. Does that make either you or I inferior to another? I think, No, I KNOW, that it does not!

Stupid prejudice’s cause a wide array of unnecessary dysfunction, whereas if we took just an extra moment or two to ask questions, and attempt to understand another’s frame of mind, then we possibly answer the Late Rodney Kings question: “Can’t We All Just Get Along?”, with an Affirmative. “YES”!

I implore you all to please open one eyes, mind, heart and ears before opening our mouths (or in some cases typing with our fingers out into cyberspace) words, that can NEVER be taken back.

As it is, “When we make attempts to ill- perceive that we often make an ASS out of U and ME. (ASSUME)

Have a beautiful day, and thanks for reading!ImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

Trennell/ A.K.A Trenni

“Taking it All in Stride (X’s 2)” ~ A msg so nice it deserves to be said twice

BEING A WOMAN… has to be one of God’s most challenging roles. From the moment Eve took the first bite from that apple, we have truly carried the weight of the world on our shoulders.

Men look at us and say that they are the ones, cursed by God, with hard labor. I say, though the words are true, how many men truly follow through with the action???

From the moment we recognized our nakedness, we were damned! Do you think that Eve looked at her body and said… “Wow! I am perfect”? I think not! At the time that she exchanged her first words to Satan and followed his advice, she began to fail to see the exquisiteness of God’s creation. After this, her body became less and less the classic example of perfection and has diminished to what we have today.

Now, we attempt to beautify, our bodies with makeup that ruin our skin, fake hair that pulls out our own, acrylic that weaken our nails, and eyelashes that when loosened will irritate the hell out of you. We color our eyes with contacts, and many times end up with an eye infection and we attempt to painfully contort our bodies to fit “THE IMAGE!” What image? (you may ask) And I’ll answer, “I honestly don’t know! I don’t think any of us really do!”

Contrary to what this sounds like, this is not a rant meant to influence women to change their ways or their attempts at perfection. It is however, something much more…. Please read on.

To talk about how hard it is to be a woman, to speak of raising kids, to comment on how it is to be a wife or to be single, to speak about the trials of working and maintaining a home, or to speak about how men don’t understand us would be redundant. Therefore, it is not my goal to waste your time or mine with repetitive words that we’ve all spoken amongst ourselves, and will undoubtedly hear again.

Instead, my goal is to remind you, how wonderfully amazing, the girl, the female, the woman, the double X chromosome, really is!

Do me a favor… Take a moment for yourself, go somewhere where there is a mirror, and you can be alone. (For the guys, when the female you are with is ready take a look at her and follow these same steps~ when/if she allows you to) Free yourself from all that binds you (yes, that means take off your clothes!) Look yourself directly in the eye, and slowly inhale, then exhale. Inadvertently, your eyes will drop down to the rhythmic rise and fall of your chest. Inside beats the heart of courage, and strength, and within those depths exists life itself, this is your essence! Because, of this heart you have been given absolute power. You have the ability to create life, sustain life, connect the past to the present, and connect the present to the future. With this heart you have the ability to power your mind.

Your mind gives you the ability to conspire and inspire, and with your mind your mouth and your hands have the ability to move. You can and will impart knowledge, speak of peace and love, initiate happiness, or cause great pain. You can be vivacious and full of sass, or you can be quiet and seductive.

Your hands have the ability to heal a sick child or friend, to impart meaning with words unspoken. You can cause your significant other to feel a great deal of pleasure OR by applying the right pressure to the right parts, you can incense them with your wrath (lol) causing a sensation of complete distress unlike any other. (not recommended) You, WOMAN hold the capability to make others feel great love for you or be the cause of your own dismissal. You can be admired or abhorred.

Now put your hand over or under your left chest (depending on how far your boobs sag) and feel the strength, the intensity, of all of your virtue, beating just underneath. THIS is your source, your essence.

Now, (for those who aren’t prudish) take a look at that triangle between your thighs, (now I know some of y’all out there thighs kind of cover up the place that I’m talking about, and some of you others have stomachs that overlap.., lol but you know what’s there) Realize this, there is no woman on this earth who was born absent of this part. What it can do, has been, can, and will be done again, by all of the women before you and all that come after. Contrary to what you may have heard, this place is NOT what defines you. This place is just a detail in your anatomy, it holds no real resource, it holds no real meaning, because without your heart, it just becomes a cold, barren, orifice. ( & Unless you have the misfortune of meeting a Necrophiliac, It becomes meaningless.)

Understand this, contrary to what you have been told. You with all your imperfections, your stretch marks, your rolls, your dents, your moles or beauty marks, your dimples, your coloration, your size, your height, all combined, make ONE PERFECT YOU! Realize your power, own it, be it. Remember girl, that you are one Hell of an individual. Although everyday may not be a sweet sample of faultlessness, remember nevertheless, that you are.

Your power is in your heart girl! Do with it what you must, but take it all in Stride.

Yours Truly,
Trennell/ a.k.a Trenni

Thank you for reading.

The ART of reCREATING YOU

It  been a while since I have written, and/or posted anything, as I, like everyone else (at one point in time or another), have experienced a few upsets, disappointments, and unexpected situations.

As I have been going through, what seems to be a learning opportunity in the making, I have thought of myself as being unlucky, unloved, unacknowledged, unimportant, dismissed, disregarded, at a disadvantage, and feeling of a whole acreage of disdain.

Now, Although I found myself feeling the ways that I expressed above and did not often participate in much outside of my immediate community of support, I kept up on current events, social events, and things of that nature that gave me insight into other peoples lives.  I had a Facebook, participated in several forums, discussed different thoughts and ideas with whomever I could, and compiled a collage of information in various manners.

Now, I don’t know truly if what I have observed is in fact, a reality,  as it could be because of my phase in life that I began noticing things more acutely, but it seems that I had noticed a recurring theme, and that is  the idea that people seem to genuinely be unhappy and therefore exhibit to others a general feeling of unhappiness.

It is funny, how sometimes, out of tragic circumstances, great revelations can actually be revealed, but as I started to pull back the layers of what was hidden deep within my own dark, musty, sad, and unresolved situation, I began to discover something amazing…. I began to discover ME!

I guess there’s something about washing your eyes with the tears of your pain, that allows YOU to eventually see clearly, what YOU want, what YOU need, and most importantly, who YOU are.

We all know, that there are far more than enough things in this current life that we can let go of, because they do nothing more than weigh us down. We seem however, to not be able to grasp that there are just as many things in our lives that we need to hold on to, because they have the ability to keep us afloat. The biggest, strongest, most viable thing we have in are arsenal being, ones self.

If appearance (and experience) count for anything,  it looks as though we are, in fact, comfortable at times, relishing heavily, in our own misery. It’s as though, getting to a point where one can actually feel the pressure being lifted from within our own depths, requires far too much effort. I know how this is. Trust me, when I say, that I have truly been there and beyond, but I’ve become tired now, and I’m starting to think that “I” just might be worth the effort.

A reality that shocks me, is the discovery that although, by nature, we are conditioned to be selfish, indulged, individuals, we spend far more time than one would care to calculate, seeking the approval, recognition, and acknowledgement of others. We seem to allow the natural instinct of self-preservation to fall by the wayside as we become desperate to make a connection with someone or something else. (Now, please, don’t misunderstand what I am trying to convey, as it is also very natural to be attracted to and have the desire to be bonded with another). However, what should not be looked at as a natural occurrence, is to allotment of one to lose ones self. In your life, the most important person is you!

Now honestly, when was the last time that you looked at yourself in the mirror and saw the amazing individual that resides within? Have you had a true heart to heart with yourself and taken into account the things that have concerned you?  Have you looked beyond the surface and really took the time to discover what you like and how you like it? What about the last time  you seriously thought about your own personalized goals and how you plan to go about achieving them?  How long has it been since you wrote down a list of the things you like about you, and then a separate list, including the things that you don’t like, and went about reconsidering, formulating, and recreating you???

Sometimes, it becomes so difficult to even open your eyes, roll out from the comfort of your bed, and face the world. It even, at times ,feels as though you would be better off just sleeping the days away and waiting for the time to come when all of your miseries will end. But, at the times, when you feel this way arise, ask yourself this… “If everything that I am currently going through just stopped right here and now, would it change how I feel? Will I be any happier? ”  Now, if you think about this question in-depth and answer it  honestly, you just may find that the answer is no! You might also find, that it’s not actually your situation that needs changing, but instead, what needs changing is actually you. This is the time when Re-Creating oneself becomes essential. As no one on the planet can see things through your eyes, and no one can put forth the initial effort to reconstruct your life.

One day, the time will come when the life that you live will cease to exist and there will be nothing more left of you except for the legacy you’ve left behind.

Today however, you are here! So I ask,… What are you going to do??? You have the choice to just sit there and let life continue to leave its marks upon your body and your soul. Or, you can push forward and devise a plan that will, in essence create the impact in which you desire… You are the artist of your own life and if you are not happy with where and whom you currently are, you must realize that  it is only YOU that holds the power to change, the power Re-Create YOU!

Thank you for reading,

Ms. T.M. Garrison (A.K.A~ Trenni)

A letter to God…

Dear God,

I know you are amazing, I know that you are wonderful, and I know that you are more than well. So therefore, I won’t bore you with such ordinary preliminaries. Instead, I will start off this letter to you with an apology.

God, I know for certain that I have not been a perfect Christian. I know that I have both said and done things that you would not favor. I don’t always follow the 10 laws in which you command, and therefore I often fall short of your grace. I don’t fall to my knees every night or give you all the praise in which you are due. I am weak, I am flawed, I am a pathetic example of the Christian you demand that I be. I have taken situations that have fallen upon me and questioned your decision to make these situations mine.

I have been jealous. I have been spiteful, I have been angered, vengeful, and vindictive. I don’t always remember to keep the Sabbath day holy, I don’t always go to church.  I have not handed things completely over to you, and have not  always accepted the fact that it is YOU and ONLY YOU who is in control. I have, at times, attempted to have others bend to my will, not willing to accept the fact that we all have free will, and that this will was granted to us all by you. I have tried to force another to love me in ways that I guess just isn’t possible for them, but is always present and available in you. In this especially, Dear Lord, I surrender all.

I have been judgemental and critical of others and I’ve refused to accept things as they are. I have felt as though I had the power to change certain situations and have resisted your suggestion to be at PEACE, to BE STILL.  I have denied that the life that I am currently living is the one in which I am supposed to live. I am the perfect example of being a Christian with insurmountable imperfections. I have failed you, I have failed me.

AND… Now, Dear God, I come to you sadly, meekly, humbly, asking for your forgiveness. I was taught that all I had to do was ask and that I would instantly receive your mercy. I confess my sins, I confess, my thoughts, I hope and I pray that you will guide me…

“I now place my personal will upon the altar. “Your will, not my will; Your way not my way; Your time not my time — and in the twinkling of an eye it is done!” (Florence Scovel Shinn) I pray that you allow me to abide by the words that I have just written. I also ask that you grant me patience. With anxiousness comes anxiety and with anxiety comes illness that does not keep one well. My patience has been tested time and time again, and time and time again, I have come undone. God, I ask that you keep me close, that you guide me, that you hold tight, my hand in yours.

Though times are often trying I know that all things are possible with you. I don’t ask that you give me what I want. I simply ask that you give me what is mine. Give me what is truly, divinely mine, and please grant me the ability to correctly, divinely, reciprocate.

I pray for my family, I pray for my friends. I ask that you will bless and keep them always.

I thank you for all that you have done, all that you are currently doing, and all that you will do for me and for us all. I thank you for listening! I’m hoping that through these, my words, I can compel others to truly come to you and seek your guidance and support. I understand that we are nothing without you, but you, are everything and That WITH (you) GOD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

God, I have tried this on my own, I have tried many things in my own way, and I know that the outcome pales ,very much, in comparison, to your power and what you can and will do.

I  Thank you Lord, well in advance, because I know that before this letter to you is complete, before my words have appeared on this screen, and before I even push the button that says ‘publish’, You, have already set your plan for me into motion. Allow me to recognize your works. Allow me to step aside and witness  your will as I stand in awe of how completely and how perfectly you can get things done.

I ask of you Lord, with every fiber of my being, and with everything that I am, that you do what I already know you have done, and that is… Hear my prayer.

God I ask all of these things in the name of  thine Son, Jesus, and once again I give you all thanks and praise (as a good Christian should),

Trennell

Thank your for reading… Trennell/ A.K.A Trenni

DAMN, SHIT, WTF, is NEXT…???

Ahhhh, this life that we live, this crazy, crazy, life that we live. We drudge through it, and we fight in pursuit of  it, going day by day, until suddenly, we have no more life left to live. and…While we’re going through the ‘not so mundane’ motions of ‘living the life’ we come across some particular challenges. Especially from those things that we, ourselves, created, called offspring.

These kids nowadays, will put you through the wringer, send you to the depths of hell, and then, in the end, to exhibit the type of parent you’ve been, send you close to something akin to the Euphoria of  Heaven.  But oh, the trials and angst thow at one must go through to get to that ‘euphoric’ point.

I have a teen, and a pre-teen. The other day, I came upon the news that my teen, through the kindness of the school administration, received 2 days of detention instead of a full days suspension. The reason, why such a thing occurred in the first place… ??? I’ll tell you, but I promise that the end of the story will have you surely Shaking Your Head!!! As it stands…. There is only 1 full week and 2 days left until the end of the school year, and my genius teenager decided that it would be a wonderful idea to cut class, to play basketball in the gym… the class he cut??? STUDY HALL!!!

Now WTF??? Only a complete fool, mixed with a bit of Jack Ass would do such a thing. Yes, one of those, OR a 15-year-old hormone flushed teenager.

Now let’s talk about the pre-teen, the 11-year-old brat, (that yes, I helped make a brat) who uses the fact that she is the ‘baby’ of the house, to wrap us all around her finger and bend to almost her every whim. She is hormone(ic) too, I believe. As I was her age when my personality, my body, and my life completely changed.  Now, I like to tell everyone that I was a perfect child but, as I think back on it, I might have presented to my very own dear mother (bless her heart, as I pray that God blesses mine) one or two minor problems.  

The pre-teen female that I have, is currently having issues with her attitude, mouthiness, allegiance to friends, etc., and is about to get very well acquainted with the back side of my hand. She, at the beginning of the next school year will be entering Jr. High School, and I dread, knowing what is soon to come my way.

Lately, there have been some, changes in our household and the home life we’ve grown accustomed to. Our family dynamics are changing, and along with that our interpersonal relationships. My mind has been wrapped around thinking about so many issues, that perhaps my ability to be as perceptive a mother as in previous times is also having some effect on how things have been going.  If that isn’t enough of a story to tell, recently I’ve been going through a very specific and individualized issue and its possible that my emotional status, can be an eensy weensy bit questionable.  But seriously, am I deserving of the angst that seems to be constantly coming my way, via, the two ‘crazy, nut  jobs’ that I bought into this world?

My car, as I look at it, is in pretty bad shape. Now, don’t get me wrong, for the most part, when looking at my vehicle from the outside, one mostly sees a nice wine colored paint job, primed to a shine, that glistens in the sun. However, when looked at from the inside, one sees black leather interior, that burns your ass to the 2nd degree in the sun, particles of crap intermingled into the black carpet, dust fragments of mostly DNA, skin cells, and crap, on the doors handles, the dash-board, the speakers, and everywhere else. Oh, and did I mention, the pieces of paper that bear the names of my teen and my pre-teen that have been stuck in the sun visors, seat and door pockets.

I guess, though, that ‘such is life’. Things often times look better, grander, smarter, more efficient, and economical from the outside, but when you take that closer look, you see that the resulting viewpoint can show evidence of details that may have superficially been missed. Whereas, a little team work and agreement amongst the passengers riding, cloth for cleanup, and some soap and water for beautification end up with an amazing result…

It took me a few days to post this blog, but when I wrote the majority of it I was in my hometown, under the care of my mother, as she fretted over some recent personal occurrences of mine. The time came though, when I needed to go back home to the place that my husband and I reside with my kids. The from the North to the South, was smooth and uneventful, until….. I got off the highway and on to the road of the very road that beholds the door that opens with the turn of my house key.  It was then, that I noticed my car smoking and the temperature gauge shooting up and fast approaching the point of  the read area “H”. The sweet smell of antifreeze started to mingle with the air, and I was compelled to get out. On the ground was a beautiful color of liquid green collecting in an immensely growing puddle. Of course, at this time, I’m thinking and shaking my head, what in the world am I going to do…. ? What a day, what a time, what a week, what a life!!!

Oh, did I forget to mention, my dear friends, that this day just happened to fall on one that is recognized as a national holiday??? Now I just want to scream, and scream, and scream, to the top of my lungs… DAMN! SHIT! WTF….. is next???

Thank you so much for reading,

Trennell M. Garrison\a.k.a Trenni

HOW TO LET GO???

When you have begged and pleaded and lost all respect for yourself, when you have cried til your head hurt, talked your voice hoarse, and stayed awake countless hours, how do you finally find the ability to just let it all go???

So many others can tell you what they would do if they were in your shoes, they give advice that is warranted and unwarranted, give points of view that you can sometimes relate to, and sometimes saying things that down right offend. You’ve been on the other side before. Shelling out words of encouragement, faith, and stability, but when the problematic burden falls upon your shoulders and belongs to know one else but you, what in the world do you do?

In this life, there are so many things that one must conquer and overcome. Some things, unfortunately, seem to be quite a deal more painful than others and a person may begin to wonder why. Why is it that one can give so much of themselves, requiring nothing but  an inkling of reciprocation in return, and in the end, feel as though they have been unfairly cheated? Why is it that many times, what they feel is more than just a small emotion but turns out to be a justified feeling of real validity?

“Love as it is, has the potential to be charming, disarming, and dangerous. It also, has the ability to be the catalyst of seeming miracles. This love thing, the little wizard that it is, is downright tricky. I mean what else can get you all Googly eyed and stupid willingly? What could make you lose yourself and long for nothing more than the best of what you feel it has to offer. What other thing in your life can strip you of glory and happiness, and quite possibly (for some pitiful souls) make you want to take your own life? If you’ve been a vegan all of your life, it has the persuasiveness, to make you take a bite out of a ham hock, and it has been known to even make a man (or woman) change religions. What kind of thing does that?”

For me, the question still remains, “What kind of thing does that?”

From a personal standpoint, I can honestly say~ that Love has the power to do more than I previously expressed. It has the power to completely break you down, and the potential even to return you to your native existence of dust and nothingness.

How then, do you pull up your big girl panties (or drawers), stand up straight and tall in your heels (or boots) and let go???

Do you ignore what you feel, discounting your emotions as simple, petty, B.S? Do you let yourself go crazy and attempt to do equal harm to the one that you feel has harmed you? Do you run out on dates, and flirt back with every single person of the opposite sex that shows the slightest interest in you? Do you fall on your knees and pray and pray, and wait and wait? What do you do???

When does the moment arrive when you look in the mirror, declare to yourself that  you do, in fact, deserve better than what you have received and let go???

Does the time ever occur when an individual stops believing that the one in which you feel you’ve given your all to, will somehow recognize the error of his/her ways, apologize, and come crawling, begging even, for you to return back into their lives? Do you ever stop blaming yourself for all that went wrong?

Why in the world would one ever submit themselves to such a hailstorm?

I guess that the moment, the time, in which one must let go, is when they realize that they can’t live in a world of heartache and pain forever. Some people relish living in their own misery as they honestly see no future for themselves. They see no happiness coming, they see no reason for it, its as though they, themselves (or we, ourselves) believe that if the one person that they loved beyond all ability and reasoning, doesn’t return their love, then it must be because they themselves, are undeserving of love.

In this, trust me, I am the last person to give advice. I no longer see it as my place to reign all of my opinions on the matter to anyone whom will read this or listen to my mouth. In the past few weeks there, for me, have been many, many, lessons learned. Something that still baffles me though, is this… After one has been through the fire and the ice, the tornado meeting the volcano, and hell on earth. How does one began to let it go???

If anyone out there has the answers, please share… Cause this time, instead of talking,……….. I’m listening (and so are others)!

Thank you so much for reading,

Trennell Marie Garrison/ A.K.A~ Trenni

Who Deserves You? What do you deserve???

I have a very good friend. He’s been married once, and has had his heart-broken several times. Never, could I understand what the problem was when his seemingly “good” relationships all too suddenly, failed. I mean, here was a man who truly loved intently. A man who loved with every fiber of his being. A man who loved with all of his heart. I mean, when this man entered a relationship with a woman he gave of himself wholly. I used to be envious of this type of love, often wishing that someone would love ME like that.

My experiences with love were quite different. I seemed to be the type that always attracted the real Jack@$$#$,  A$$#@!E$, and other, stronger, expletives. The type of guys who were interested in themselves, consumed by unimportant thrills, had no potential, and worth absolutely nothing. The worst thing about these situations, though, was that I LOVED THEM!!!

I used to cry to my friend, (the one previously mentioned) with all too real, tears streaming down my face.
I’d ask him to please explain to me what it was that I lacked? What was I doing wrong? &  Why, oh why, could I not find true love? (I know, I know, me going to him for the answers seems akin to me talking to myself cause he couldn’t figure out the reasons behind the challenges in his own love life) It turns out though, that sometimes out of unexpected situations and conversations, real revelations can, and often do, arise.

During one of our many conversations about a broken heart I’d recently acquired from a guy who I felt (at that time) was the love of my life. My friend, (whom I have sworn since the beginning of our friendship is destined to be a powerful minister) read to me these words from the scripture Psalm 27:2 “When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh, My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.”  ~This is a day in which I will never forget, because even though I do not know if there was a specific road he was going to lead me down with his quotation of these holy words I do know that  it was the paramount moment in which I received a major epiphany about myself.

I realized that I kept giving myself to those who were seriously questionable in deserving my affection, and because of this I constantly stumbled. I opened my heart and gave it wholly, even to the point that I put my desires for reciprocated affection before God himself. This is the moment in which I fell (emotionally, spiritually, physically).  I…. was… my own…. enemy.

Whoa! Hold up! How can that be??? You may be asking yourself these very questions, therefore I will be more than happy to elaborate.

Have you ever heard the saying, “When you lie down with dogs, you can’t help but to catch fleas?” Well, that should explain to you what happened to me and where I was coming from. I’d spent so much time wanting a “dog” to lick my face and tell me that “he” was so happy that I was in their life that I allowed myself to become infested with fleas of unhappiness. For it is when you force yourself upon something that is truly not meant to be yours, you face repercussions.

There are things that reveal themselves to you in simple moments…. such as a phone call from you to the one you desire, sent straight to voice mail. A holiday in which you’ve spent hours shopping for the perfect gift only to receive nothing in return. The ignored attempts at affection,compiled with tears flowing down your face from a heart so heavy that it pulls at your eyes, or the complete loss of respect for yourself.

Then, there are the Epic moments in which your foolish ways are brought to light… Such as the day you find the love of your life loving another the way you wanted them to love you, the disrespectful manner in which they speak to you, the giving of attention from them to you for their own physical satisfaction, obvious emotional abuses, and possibly even (God forbid) physical abuse.

Still, at times, you long for this person who has treated you in such a manner and as sure as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west you eventually have to look yourself in the mirror and DECIDE FOR YOURSELF…. WHAT DO YOU DESERVE?…. WHO DESERVES YOU?

It may take a while, but hopefully, eventually, one realizes that pinning after a specific person who does not feel the same way about you  is a route in which one must not allow themselves to travel. In fact, if you are receiving the love in which you deserve, you won’t ever have to ‘pine’ after him or her. For that person would do anything for you to innately know that their heart desires you and only you.

The other day, I just happened to be in the presence of a couple who were joking with each other about who was going to pay for a meal at a restaurant in which they were attending with one another. The guy (again jokingly) told the girl that she “better start to look under the seats for lost change because he had enough to pay for his own but he wasn’t quite so sure about her”.~ Upon hearing this, I interjected an “Oooh, you know you aren’t right!” He laughed with a twinkle in his eye, looked at his love and said to me, “She knows I am just kidding, I would give my baby my last nickel, you hear me? I’d give her my last!” I smiled and told him how very sweet his words were, and just being in such close proximity to the two of them I felt that the words he had just spoken were nothing less than the absolute truth.

After witnessing something like that, one can’t help but to wonder about their own lives and the relationships that one is in. Am I the love of my life’s, love of his life? Would he give me his last, would I give him mine? If he (God forbid) was rendered incapable of doing all the things in which he can currently do, would I still be in love with him? Would my heart and mind want nothing less than the best for him? Would I want to provide for him financially, physically, mentally? Would he do the same for me?

Those are questions in which it seems any mature person would learn to ask of themselves. The time in which one should spend being happy in this life, is unfortunately overshadowed with much unhappiness.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 It seems true, that in order to appreciate the sunshine, you have to tread through a couple of storms. However, eventually, there comes a time in which one MUST learn. We all want to live long, healthy, happy, comfortable lives, but we also need to realize that life is far too short to spend in misery. “When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man (or woman) I put away childish things.“(1 Corinthians 13:11)

We grow in more ways than one, and there comes a moment that if you’ve been sick and tired of being sick and tired, you get up and do something about it.

As an amazing individual, you deserve someone who is equally amazing. If, at this point of time in your life,  you are with someone who does not truly fulfill all the requirements AND reciprocates them towards you, then… it may be time, to let it go, and start all over. In order for someone to appreciate, recognize, and respect, your worth, you must appreciate, recognize, and respect it in yourself first!

What do you deserve?… Who deserves you? There’s only one person that can truly answer these questions and that person is…….

P.S~ Oh, and about that friend of mine. He finally found a lovely woman who gives him everything that he gives her, I can feel it when witnessing the two of them together. I can see it even in pictures, and I  just know in my heart, without a shadow of a doubt, that this time, he has the woman that he has long searched for and who he is so obviously deserving of. … His SOUL MATE, in fact, they are due to be married this upcoming summer. ~ Congratulations R & A!  Your relationship serves as inspiration for many.

Thank you for reading,

Trennell/a.k.a Trenni

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