Author Archives: Divided Chaos
It’s almost comical, how we often don’t realize, until our very own lives are personally interrupted; How quickly time is passing by…
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
And I write this quote with an absolute right to do so. It is MY FREEDOM OF SPEECH that allows me to. I look at the things that I’ve written and will continue to write and know in my heart that I will/would not be silenced…#JESUISCHARLIE We Hear You!!!
Having a Black Male Child, a Mother/(parent) worries, fret’s over, prays for, and fears just a bit more, than what may be considered normal for that child; that part of her in which she has birthed, loved, raised, and set free, into this sometimes cruel, and unforgiving world.
With Recent light being shed upon a problem in which has long existed in our community I can’t think of a mother in which I can count amongst my associates, who aren’t doing the things that I mentioned above in an even more fevered fashion. Is it possible though, that the resolution to these current situations have already been obtained and its just Really Now Time to take Heed?
M.L.K Jr. once stated that “MAN MUST EVOLVE FOR ALL HUMAN CONFLICT; A METHOD WHICH REJECTS REVENGE, AGGRESSION, RETALIATION. THE FOUNDATION OF SUCH A METHOD… IS LOVE!”
Love as a foundation huh???
Now, I know that I’m only a self-proclaimed genius, but often times genius recognizes the same qualities in others, and It my opinion, that, Dr. King might have been hitting on something quite profound here…
You see, we’ve already tried the other B.S. and the effect of that has more often than not, left us cold, empty, and in a state of insanity. So I, for one am willing to try & support ‘LOVE’ even if for no other reason than, it seems like one heck of an optimistic place to start.
~Be blessed my dear friends and be a wonderfully, wonderful, you!~
I’ve always kind of wondered about what goes on within a man’s essence? What is the make up of his very being? This questioning of the male genetic compound initially started when I realized that some guys just liked/ loved some females harder, better, gentler, more respectful, than some others. It could be regardless of if they were doing very similar or even identical things for him. Regardless of whom others perceive to look better, regardless of the one in which others perceive to have the more likable personality. It’s all about what makes sense to that ever confusing individual of a man.
After years of really trying to process how all of male complexity works I’ve come to understand that the male mind may truly be something in which I may NEVER understand, but its puzzling factors extend far beyond women, Their poor misguided complexities even lead carry over onto their very own offspring.
I guess, that over the years, I must’ve noticed this issue passively but nothing stood out as prominently as when My son and I had to make a visit to our cities Juvenile Court Division to get some adjustments made to the very small child support order that his Father had been compelled to pay when my son was about 7 months old.
I can almost laugh at this now, (no really I can’t but I wish that I could) but even though his Fathers payments were less that $140.00/mth. (and that was over 18 years ago) he still managed to find himself with about 3 more biological children, 2 stepchildren (that he refers to as his own) and $22,000.00 in arrears for our child add those facts to the fact that he had a son born prior to the one we had together making my son, his second child, well then, I can see, where some comedy might be able to be inserted given the fact that we’re now talking about a family unit akin to what a small orphanage must be like.
But anyways, not to digress, It was at this court hearing that my son, Trenton, and his first sister (from his bio dad) were able to see one another. This is something in which they had not been able to do in quite some time. To capture the moment I took a picture to capture the moment. They kinda look alike don’t they?
(“She lives with their father and is wearing the New “KOBE BRYANT” or LBJ or whatever expensive NIKE basketball player tennis shoes on her feet (that she confirmed her ‘daddy’ bought her). Whilst on the very next day i had to take out a loan (with interest) to pay for the 2 installments of the college tuition that is owed to the University our son is attending this semester (& the next) his freshman year and beyond… I post this only because I don’t understand, and would like someone out there to tell me how a male picks and chooses which children they will love and take care of over those in which they do and will not.
If you have any relevant insight into matters such as this, please use your words to Speak Up! – Thank you in advance!
NOTICE: Their Bio Father Jimmie L.Campbell Jr is absent, from these pics, because that’s just his way, his “M.O” for being ABSENT is just simply “His thing”, and has been that way for years, and I am sure, will continue to be that way for years to come… I guess by this time I should just give up all hope of him being my son’s Dad, because really, I’ve already done his job.
It’s been a hectic start to this month, and one hell of an end to the last. Some new things have begun and some old things have past. Our world is in CHAOS, a turbulent sea, it feels like we’ve been shoved right in, but still… somehow, we left me!
I see myself waving for help, but still I turn and walk away, and sit down at the side of the shore just trying to contemplate. Have I been good to them? Is it me, they truly need? They look safe out there afloat using common sense to kick and breathe.
HE turned 18 a few months back and then graduation came, and off to college he went and things just don’t feel the same. Not quite an adult myself is when his appearance was made, demanding all that I could give; he kinda grew up along side me in a ways. I did my best to raise him and I have to admit I’m damn proud! But I’m still young, but feel stuck, and as he growing up I swear I just want to stand still and SCREAM OUT LOUD!!!
There’s and emptiness that fills the silence that used to occupy my son’s constant space. It uses the voice of my precious baby girl to spew It’s vials of distaste!, “You’re wrong about everything!”, “There’s nothing you understand!” “See Ma, THAT’S why WE CAN’T GET ALONG!” she a 14 year old with serious hormonal changes, (and if I slapped her I know I’d just be so wrong). I watch her sometimes whilst she’s asleep and think about how she was JUST my Babe, and I smile at the sweetness still reflected in her eyes, and wonder at how fast things change.
I’ve been doing this for so long, on my own, but with the help of God, and my Mom, she’s been my “Lamb in a Bush”, Lord knows she deserves applause… But I AM NOT strong, I just deserve an award because I can put on a Damned good show, its been at those times I’ve appeared to have strength, that I’ve been at my ultimate lows.
So now I’m supposed to reach out to extend a hand to save us all, don’t they know I’m not who I appear? I know not what I am at all? I have lost my sense of identity, and I don’t know where to go from here. I’m having this thought while I sit on shore and the other me swims aggressively to get near.
If it was just that one, that image of me, who desperately wants to cling to life I still just might turn around and walk away. There seems there’s no purpose for you anymore so what would be the reason to stay?
However as I saw 18 year old HIM and 14 year old HER still calling out “MOMMY…..!” I knew that my life was not in vain and that they just might still need me! ~ So I got my ass up and sprinted into action, waded into the water, and grabbed my babes in a quicker time than time allowed, I adorned them, as they hugged me, and I basked in the warmth of “Their Smile”.
The CNN network stated earlier, that the Family of Michael Brown has released the autopsy report by Pathologist Michael Baden and the report shows that he was shot 6 times, twice in the head (once directly to the top of his skull) and 4 times in the right arm. ALL SHOTS CAME FROM THE FRONT!!!
THIS is terrible news, yet is indicative of what we already suspected/knew. HOWEVER, we must not lose sight of the real issue here! A YOUNG MAN was shot and it doesn’t seem that his actions justifies the result that ended in his death.
It is understandable that our community is angry. Our dissatisfaction though, should not be impotent, and should most certainly reach much farther than marching, shouting, protesting, etc. NOW is the time to truly act!!! Take inventory of who “WE” as a people are, and then use what we have to invest in ourselves. We do this by staying focused on the facts at hand, and then coming up with viable, credible ways, to change what is.
Please, don’t let those negative few who claim that they are fighting the good fight with us, but are ultimately planning ways to defy us all, by looting, planning to overtake and over run authority, to hurt, and assemble groups that will, in the end, set us back even further than we already are, define what it means to be BLACK IN AMERICA!
Those folks don’t represent me and I hope that they don’t represent you!
She’d spent the better part of almost 2 years mourning. Like the old dog in China who hadn’t left his deceased Masters grave in over a period of about 6 years, she mourned. It was quite pitiful, but even more so, because she couldn’t even claim the protective instinct of a simple, faithful, old dog. She was a human being Dammit, and if she didn’t do something about the things in which she was (or was not) currently doing, she would soon forget it, and so would everyone else.
There were still a few folks that hadn’t YET, completely forgotten about her, in fact, from time to time, she preferably thought of these individuals as friends. However, there were some that could now, simply be marked off as former acquaintances as during her mourning, they had fallen off by the wayside, and could no longer be called upon. This, though, was not the time to let one’s mind linger upon them.
THIS, was a time of decision, and the decision to make would be simple. Was she going to continue to live her life mourning over what was, OR was she going to now live and rejoice in what would be sure to come???
“While it is possible to live vainly in the memories of the past, one must also realize that the currents of life do constantly move forward with or without the consent of those who choose to acknowledge and live in it…
Though understandably basking in the familiarity of what is already known and experienced can be soothing, it should also be understood that what is missed by not experiencing the things that could have (and very well should have) been experienced can be damaging. In life, there are some things that we are very well meant to be exposed to, but having that thing called ‘free will’ at times hinders us, and that, my friend, (although a great option to have) is not always a good thing.
Free will however, does also enable us to make the choice to continue to lie in yesterday and soak up the misery or memories, or make the choice to finally “Wake Up And Get Down!” “
Thanks for Reading!
Yours Truly, ~Me
I, like many others that I know, have faced some severe blows and setbacks during my time on this earth, and I used to question it all with a loudly (or quietly) expressed WHY ME???
However, as I move forward facing day after day I notice the question has changed from me wondering “WHY ME???” to “WHY NOT ME???” As inevitably, pain does began to subside, and time does began to heal.
And with this change of one moment stretching towards the next, I have also been able to bear witness, and thus testify, that there has been Absolutely NO BURDEN placed upon me in which I could not bear!
That same strength and power has also been gifted to you.
Therefore, I can say with absolute certainty that if YOU are struggling with issues and hard times, please note that like with all things that have occurred, “This too shall pass!”
All that You have to do is keep on keeping on, and watch these words that I state come to absolute fruition…. One day, you’ll gladly/proudly be able to pass these words of knowledge off to someone else, just like I have.
Just keep living and I guarantee, you’ll see!
Thanks for reading!
ME! Trenni/ Trennell Marie
A few days ago I was speaking with one of my intellectual, educated, well established friends about my current station in life. We talked, at length, about where I hoped to go, the things I thought that by now, I would’ve achieved, & the challenges and difficulties it seems I’ve been forced to endure…. Patiently, my friend, took the time to Encourage, Interject practical advise, and above all else, LISTENED!
Since that day, I’ve gained the ability to lose the ‘tunnel vision’ of darkness that has plagued me for far too much time now, and see things from completely new perspectives.
Isn’t it amazing how a few expressed & spoken words can bring forth such a difference in one’s entire outlook? One never truly realizes, how deeply their words or actions can affect another. I guess it’s why the 10 commandments can be summed up, ultimately, into 2 parts… the first being… “Honor God” & The second being “Treat Other’s in the ways in which you’d like to be treated.” In doing these two things, I can bear honest witness and say that “Miracles do happen, each and every day!” It is within us as individuals, to open our minds and our hearts, in order to bear witness.
My mother Always says that “GOD provides proof to the truth!”
And in that regard with the things I’ve been both told and shown I am inclined to agree!Today, for example, I came across a quote by ‘George Eliot’ that literally grabbed my attention as though it was written specifically for me. The words read this —–> “IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO BE WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN!” Upon reading this, I knew that in order to obtain the things that I ultimately want, I must start RIGHT NOW with being who it is I choose to be! It is since I experienced this revelation, that the feelings of inadequacy, the tunnel of darkness & the feeling of being completely out- of- control, has given way… I am ready to do what I must!
Yesterday, and the decisions made then, are now a thing of the past, the only thing one can do is move on from those moments and live in today (lol, as if we really have a choice to do it any other way, anyway).
Sometimes we view life as though it is a courtroom, wanting evidence and proof, to co-sign our decisions to do the things we choose. Other times we just move ahead making rash judgement’s, not necessarily caring about how we affect others, or how later, we affect ourselves,
Now, it is not my place to critique or how ‘you’ live, as for me, however, I think I’ll try a new approach, rather than to keep on doing what I’ve already done and failed to achieve I’m going to try out the alternate and see where that leads.
In conclusion, I’ll leave with this… “What is done today, defines who one currently is! Tomorrow may come, but, for some, it may not. Therefore, I believe it wise to choose, in this very moment to be who you want, and it’s almost miraculously occurs that who you want to be, becomes exactly who you are! ~ Thank you George Eliot, for bringing that all to light.
Thank you for reading!