Who Deserves You? What do you deserve???


I have a very good friend. He’s been married once, and has had his heart-broken several times. Never, could I understand what the problem was when his seemingly “good” relationships all too suddenly, failed. I mean, here was a man who truly loved intently. A man who loved with every fiber of his being. A man who loved with all of his heart. I mean, when this man entered a relationship with a woman he gave of himself wholly. I used to be envious of this type of love, often wishing that someone would love ME like that.

My experiences with love were quite different. I seemed to be the type that always attracted the real Jack@$$#$,  A$$#@!E$, and other, stronger, expletives. The type of guys who were interested in themselves, consumed by unimportant thrills, had no potential, and worth absolutely nothing. The worst thing about these situations, though, was that I LOVED THEM!!!

I used to cry to my friend, (the one previously mentioned) with all too real, tears streaming down my face.
I’d ask him to please explain to me what it was that I lacked? What was I doing wrong? &  Why, oh why, could I not find true love? (I know, I know, me going to him for the answers seems akin to me talking to myself cause he couldn’t figure out the reasons behind the challenges in his own love life) It turns out though, that sometimes out of unexpected situations and conversations, real revelations can, and often do, arise.

During one of our many conversations about a broken heart I’d recently acquired from a guy who I felt (at that time) was the love of my life. My friend, (whom I have sworn since the beginning of our friendship is destined to be a powerful minister) read to me these words from the scripture Psalm 27:2 “When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh, My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.”  ~This is a day in which I will never forget, because even though I do not know if there was a specific road he was going to lead me down with his quotation of these holy words I do know that  it was the paramount moment in which I received a major epiphany about myself.

I realized that I kept giving myself to those who were seriously questionable in deserving my affection, and because of this I constantly stumbled. I opened my heart and gave it wholly, even to the point that I put my desires for reciprocated affection before God himself. This is the moment in which I fell (emotionally, spiritually, physically).  I…. was… my own…. enemy.

Whoa! Hold up! How can that be??? You may be asking yourself these very questions, therefore I will be more than happy to elaborate.

Have you ever heard the saying, “When you lie down with dogs, you can’t help but to catch fleas?” Well, that should explain to you what happened to me and where I was coming from. I’d spent so much time wanting a “dog” to lick my face and tell me that “he” was so happy that I was in their life that I allowed myself to become infested with fleas of unhappiness. For it is when you force yourself upon something that is truly not meant to be yours, you face repercussions.

There are things that reveal themselves to you in simple moments…. such as a phone call from you to the one you desire, sent straight to voice mail. A holiday in which you’ve spent hours shopping for the perfect gift only to receive nothing in return. The ignored attempts at affection,compiled with tears flowing down your face from a heart so heavy that it pulls at your eyes, or the complete loss of respect for yourself.

Then, there are the Epic moments in which your foolish ways are brought to light… Such as the day you find the love of your life loving another the way you wanted them to love you, the disrespectful manner in which they speak to you, the giving of attention from them to you for their own physical satisfaction, obvious emotional abuses, and possibly even (God forbid) physical abuse.

Still, at times, you long for this person who has treated you in such a manner and as sure as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west you eventually have to look yourself in the mirror and DECIDE FOR YOURSELF…. WHAT DO YOU DESERVE?…. WHO DESERVES YOU?

It may take a while, but hopefully, eventually, one realizes that pinning after a specific person who does not feel the same way about you  is a route in which one must not allow themselves to travel. In fact, if you are receiving the love in which you deserve, you won’t ever have to ‘pine’ after him or her. For that person would do anything for you to innately know that their heart desires you and only you.

The other day, I just happened to be in the presence of a couple who were joking with each other about who was going to pay for a meal at a restaurant in which they were attending with one another. The guy (again jokingly) told the girl that she “better start to look under the seats for lost change because he had enough to pay for his own but he wasn’t quite so sure about her”.~ Upon hearing this, I interjected an “Oooh, you know you aren’t right!” He laughed with a twinkle in his eye, looked at his love and said to me, “She knows I am just kidding, I would give my baby my last nickel, you hear me? I’d give her my last!” I smiled and told him how very sweet his words were, and just being in such close proximity to the two of them I felt that the words he had just spoken were nothing less than the absolute truth.

After witnessing something like that, one can’t help but to wonder about their own lives and the relationships that one is in. Am I the love of my life’s, love of his life? Would he give me his last, would I give him mine? If he (God forbid) was rendered incapable of doing all the things in which he can currently do, would I still be in love with him? Would my heart and mind want nothing less than the best for him? Would I want to provide for him financially, physically, mentally? Would he do the same for me?

Those are questions in which it seems any mature person would learn to ask of themselves. The time in which one should spend being happy in this life, is unfortunately overshadowed with much unhappiness.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 It seems true, that in order to appreciate the sunshine, you have to tread through a couple of storms. However, eventually, there comes a time in which one MUST learn. We all want to live long, healthy, happy, comfortable lives, but we also need to realize that life is far too short to spend in misery. “When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man (or woman) I put away childish things.“(1 Corinthians 13:11)

We grow in more ways than one, and there comes a moment that if you’ve been sick and tired of being sick and tired, you get up and do something about it.

As an amazing individual, you deserve someone who is equally amazing. If, at this point of time in your life,  you are with someone who does not truly fulfill all the requirements AND reciprocates them towards you, then… it may be time, to let it go, and start all over. In order for someone to appreciate, recognize, and respect, your worth, you must appreciate, recognize, and respect it in yourself first!

What do you deserve?… Who deserves you? There’s only one person that can truly answer these questions and that person is…….

P.S~ Oh, and about that friend of mine. He finally found a lovely woman who gives him everything that he gives her, I can feel it when witnessing the two of them together. I can see it even in pictures, and I  just know in my heart, without a shadow of a doubt, that this time, he has the woman that he has long searched for and who he is so obviously deserving of. … His SOUL MATE, in fact, they are due to be married this upcoming summer. ~ Congratulations R & A!  Your relationship serves as inspiration for many.

Thank you for reading,

Trennell/a.k.a Trenni

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About Divided Chaos

Well, what can I say about me??? I know~ Here goes..... I am not your average, just let me type meaningless words that are neither thought provoking or inspiring on a computer screen, just because I have a computer and nothing better to do, kind of gal. My goal is to present debatable ideas and topics, open up a dialog, and perhaps come up with viable solutions. I am candid, honest, and at times, even controversial. However, I am also liberal minded and ready to learn and impart different perspectives about a wide array of things. I just hope that I will be afforded the same regard. I am fun, enthusiastic, emotional, social, and competent. In short, I am human. It is my desire that you truly enjoy what you read from me and comment, comment, comment. If you don't ... well then... How in the heck am I supposed to know let me know??? So, In short, All feedback is appreciated, and if you are honest as I'd like you to be, and I am as receptive as I pledge, then between you and I, there can be no 'Chaotic Divide'.

Posted on March 28, 2011, in Confessions, Inspiration, Life, Lifestyle, Love, Love and Marriage, male, Marriage, men, proud, Random Thoughts, relationships, romance, romantic, sexy, strength, Uncategorized, woman, women. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Min. R. L. Brown

    The quotations of Scripture was powerful and your teachings screamed wisdom and experience. These things, even in my sleepy state, grabbed my attentionand wouldn’t let go. Glory to God for second chances.

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